The Body is a Cruel Mistress
by m-is-for-MollyMansfieldMealing
Summary: Just when Connie thought she'd passed through her rough patch, a diagnosis comes along that changes her life forever. Will her colleagues be there for her every step of the way, or will they turn their backs on her like she had done to them so many times before? TW- cancer as well as a few others which I'll specify at the start of each chapter. Pic cred- IsabellaForever! x
1. Ignorance is Bliss

**Hello! So I've had the idea for this for ages, but due to my exams I haven't had the chance to write it until now! Firstly, a quick announcement-**

 **This fic is dedicated to anyone and everyone who is battling cancer and other terminal diseases, or anyone who has lost anyone to these cruel monsters. I've lost my grandma, then nearly two aunts to cancer so I know first hand what it does to people and how it affects them.**

 **Secondly, if you spot any medical-y mistakes in this _please_ do let me know! I've done my research but I'm no doctor xD**

 **I hope you all enjoy and reviews would be very lovely! -Sophie x**

* * *

It was the beginning of summer, a time of blue skies, warm days and lazy evenings. The pace of life seemed to slow down almost immediately as the heat shone over the city, gracing everything it met with a gentle glow and bringing peace and serenity for a few short months.

To everywhere but Holby's emergency department, that is.

No that seemed to stay untouched. Whatever the weather, the staff force always seemed rushed off of their feet, dashing here and there amongst a crowd of walking wounded.

Connie Beauchamp was no exception. Being clinical lead of that particular ED was no mean feat, and she spent many nights in the on call room due to the sheer amount of paperwork she was landed with. It had now become a permanent feature of her office that never seemed to decrease in size, just shift ever so slightly around the room.

This is where she sat, on the first day of the first week of summer, up to her ears in reports and with a phone that seemed to constantly ring. Sighing, she put her pen down and sat back, rubbing her forehead where a pain had begun to throb. She'd been getting them a lot recently, but she put that down to the amount of rowdy children that ended up in her care each day, most with broken wrists or ankles from their summer adventures. Many were little terrors, but she occasionally got one or two that were very well behaved, and made her day just that tiny bit better.

There was a harsh knock at the door, and she jumped, jolted from her thoughts.

"Come in." She called, and looked up to find Robyn beaming down at her.

"There's an RTC on its way, ETA 4 minutes. Charlie said he needs you on it."

"Why, where's Dylan?" Connie frowned but the ginger haired nurse just shrugged.

"Something about Dervla's doggy day care I think, I don't know he just took the rest of the day off."

The brunette rolled her eyes and got to her feet, pulling her stethoscope from under a stack of papers.

"Doggy day care, ridiculous…" She muttered, following Robyn out of the door and out into reception. Whilst she waited for Dixie and Ian to arrive, she felt her headache grow slowly worse until it was like someone was repeatedly stabbing her with a red hot needle. Unfortunately Zoe had called in sick and Rita was on a training day, so she had to work whether she was on her death bed or not.

The familiar slam of the ambulance doors made its way into the department, quickly followed by Dixie and Ian with separate trolleys. Charlie had met them outside and was listening to Dixie reel off the obs for an elderly man, so Connie joined the male ambulance diver as he explained the patient's situation. It was and elderly woman who was gripping onto the trolley for dear life, and her breathing beneath the oxygen mask was raspy.

"This is Judith Keels, 73, passenger of the RTC and wife of Alan who was the driver. KO'd at the scene but regained consciousness en ruote." He started, and the clinical lead nodded as he reeled of her blood pressure and stats before parking her in Bay 3. The woman was still conscious and looked around with wide-eyed terror. She struggled to move the oxygen mask from her mouth but Connie stopped her, placing a gentle hand on her arm.

"Leave that on for me please Mrs Keels, it'll help with your breathing. I'm Mrs Beauchamp, clinical lead, and I'm going to be treating you today. Now, just nod or shake your head for me- do you know where you are?"

Judith nodded, still looking round.

"Ok, and does anywhere else hurt apart from your chest?"

With a shaky hand, the woman gestured to her head. Then, ignoring the brunette's advice, she removed the oxygen mask.

"Alan," She rasped, "where's Alan…"

"Your husband's in the bay next door Mrs Keels, he's in safe hands." Connie glanced through the glass and into the smaller resus. Charlie was already at work examining his leg, which was severely damaged when the collision happened. She bit her lip.

"When you're both stable I'll take you to see him. For now I'm going to check your chest and head then get one of my nursing team to take your obs and bloods, ok?"

"Ok." Her voice was a hoarse whisper as she put the mask back on and took some deep breaths. After a quick examination, Connie confirmed the woman had bad concussion and a minor chest injury. She pulled off her rubber gloves and noted her diagnosis down on the clipboard at the end of Judith's bed.

"Mrs Keels you have quite bad concussion which explains the head pain, and something called a pulmonary contusion, a fancy phrase for a bruised lung. With lots of rest you should be back to normal in a few weeks." The brunette smiled and the elderly woman nodded.

"Thank you, Mrs Beauchamp."

"Now I'm going to hand you over to our head nurse Tess Bateman, she'll be here in a minute to introduce herself. I'll be back in half an hour."

The woman nodded again and Connie left, wincing as the pain in her head grew worse.

"You alright?"

She registered Tess in front of her looking concerned, and dismissed her quickly.

"I'm fine thank you, nothing two paracetamol can't handle. Mrs Keels is waiting for you."

"But you-" Tess protested, but Connie turned on her heel and walked off in the direction of her office. The searing pain had turned into a deep throb; she couldn't get those two little tablets down her neck fast enough.


	2. Battling The Unknown

**Update number 2!**

 **Officially finished my exams now too so I have a lovely 10 weeks off to write to my heart's content! Yay!**

 **Thank you for all your kind words on the first chapter and I hope you like this one as much! The drama starts next chapter so keep an eye out ;) -Sophie x**

* * *

By the end of that week Connie was no better. As well as a headache, her ails had extended to feeling nauseous every so often and having dizzy spells throughout each day. Her theory behind these had changed from rowdy kids to sunstroke, but there was a small, niggling thought at the back of her mind.

Every time she decided that she was sure she had sunstroke, the thought of her one night affair in Bucharest would come swimming back, and that familiar feeling of dread would return with a vengeance. It was highly unlikely, considering her age, but there was still that small chance that she could be pregnant.

Just thinking about going to the pharmacy and buying a test made her want to throw up; she couldn't do it. But as much as she hated admitting it, the deed had to be done.

So on her way into work that Saturday, she bought a pregnancy test. The consultant pretended to be on the phone to a friend whilst choosing one, in an attempt to make the woman behind the counter think it wasn't for her. Connie "ended the call" as she got her purse out to pay. As she picked up the receipt, the cashier just raised her eyebrows.

"We're not all judgemental. Just so you know." She called as the clinical lead left, cheeks reddening and silently vowing to never step foot in that pharmacy again.

…

It was lunch that day before Connie even got a chance to _think_ about taking the test. It had been in the top drawer of her desk all morning, until she slipped it into her pocket and disappeared to the toilets. The department had quietened down, with most patients having lunch and half the staff on a break. Zoe and Rita were now back and Dylan hadn't made a getaway since his doggy day care disaster on Monday. This meant there was less need for Connie on the shop floor, so with a bit of luck her absence wouldn't be noticed.

When she was sure no-one was watching, the woman slipped into the ladies and shut herself in a cubicle. She stood looking down at the small blue box in her hands for a few moments, trying to build up the courage to open it.

God knows what she'd do if she found out she was pregnant again. The woman had had enough complications with Grace, having another would be even more dangerous. And there was the matter of the father- Alex. He was a crook and he lived in Romania, two not-so-ideal situations. Connie just sighed deeply, closed her eyes and ripped open the box.

…

10 minutes later and she was back in her office, the white stick sat in front of her on the desk. She looked at it blankly, waiting for the small screen to form a picture. One line meant negative, two meant trouble. The seconds seemed to drag and the silence seemed to get louder as she sat waiting, hoping, praying that she'd get the result she was hoping for. She went to pick the object up just as the door to her office swung open. She jumped and pulled out her top drawer and quickly swiped the stick into it, but it bounced off the edge of the wood and fell to the floor instead.

"Shit." She muttered, glancing up quickly. Charlie stood at the door and blinked a few times.

"Here, let me get that-" He made to move towards her desk but she beat him to it, throwing the test into her drawer and shutting it before he could register what it was she was holding. However, he didn't seem to care that much and shut the door behind him instead.

"I came to ask if you were feeling ok. Tess said you've had a headache since Monday, is that right?"

Connie raised her eyebrow.

"That's none of your business Charlie." She said quietly, pulling a pile of papers in front of her and looking round for her pen.

"It is if it's going to affect your work at any point. What kind of pain is it?"

She sighed exasperatedly, still looking round. "I am a doctor too remember, I'd be able to tell if anything was wrong with me."

The nurse didn't say anything for a few moments, before picking up a pen from the top of her filing cabinet and placing it on her desk. She closed her eyes for a few seconds before letting them flutter open again.

"Thank you." Her voice was emotionless and she avoided eye contact, instead choosing to look to the floor beside her.

"You're welcome. Connie, I mean this- if you develop any other symptoms then you need to come see me, alright? It's not like you to fall ill."

"That's because I'm not ill." She insisted, tone hardening slightly as she looked up at him. "I'm sorry Charlie but I'm kind of busy here, if I think I'm on my last legs then I'll come see you, ok?"

He sighed, defeated.

"Fine." He put his hands up in surrender and walked out of her office, closing the door with a gentle click behind him.

The clinical lead bit the inside of her lip as she opened her drawer and pulled out the pregnancy test, taking a deep breath before looking down at the tiny grey screen.

One line.

She wasn't pregnant.

"Oh thank the Lord." Connie whispered, a small smile spreading across her cheeks. She was safe, and another child was certainly _not_ on the cards. A wave of relief swept over her as she sat up straighter and picked up the test, before promptly throwing it in the bin where it belonged.

However, one thought managed to surface through the euphoria that had filled her mind.

If she wasn't pregnant, then what was wrong with her?


	3. Into The Abyss

**Here's this week's update!**

 **The next chapter reveals why Connie's been feeling so ill, so look out for that ;)**

 **Hope you all enjoy and reviews would be lovely! What are you all thinking? -Sophie x**

* * *

The following day was Sunday, Connie's only break from work. She awoke at her usual time, but something was wrong.

She opened her eyes to find her vision blurred.

The woman yawned and blinked a few times, but the fog didn't clear. Frowning slightly, she rubbed them with her fingertips and closed them for a few seconds before opening them wide.

Her vision was back to normal.

"Weird." She mumbled, yawning again and swinging her legs over the side of the bed before getting up and padding to the bathroom. After a small breakfast of cornflakes, the woman settled herself in front of the TV in her comfy leggings and top, curling her legs under her as "Inside the Ritz" began. She spent a content half a day watching back to back episodes of that and a medical drama called "Nurses" which she decided was very unrealistic. Connie found herself talking to the screen more times than she'd care to admit.

"For goodness sakes, don't remove the neck brace she might have a dislocation! And why on earth are you taking bloods for him, his head was trapped in the bloody door! He needs a CT instead you idiots."

After becoming increasingly frustrated, she switched the screen off and pulled out her laptop instead. As the home screen appeared however, she found her vision go blurry again. She tried rubbing her eyes like she did earlier but that didn't work. She tried blinking but that was ineffective too, alongside closing them for ages then opening them again, and replacing her contact lenses with a different pair.

She had no idea what was happening, and she felt her stomach slowly begin to drop.

What if it was something serious? What if her optic nerve had been damaged and that was why she'd had so many headaches recently? Or what if it was something even worse?

"No Connie, stop it." She muttered to herself as the room came back into clear focus. "No what if's, the what if's will kill you now get a grip. You're overreacting."

"Oh for god's sakes." She realised, "I'm talking to myself now. Jesus Christ."

The brunette couldn't help but smile at how ridiculous the situation was. Here she was, a top cardiothoracic surgeon and one of the best clinical lead's Holby had ever had, sat talking to herself like a lunatic.

What on earth was happening to her?

…

By the middle of that next week, Connie's ails had laid off. She still got minor vision problems here and there but she'd become so accustomed to the constant pounding in her head that she kept forgetting it wasn't normal.

After giving up on paperwork for the day, she decided to go help out on the shop floor. She was just in time as Dixie came speeding round the corner with a trolley, motioning for Connie to join her.

"This is Katie Jackson aged 9, fell off the roof of her house." The paramedic continued to speak as the woman began to inspect the girl's injuries. She was unconscious, had a deep laceration to the left side of her head and she'd almost certainly broken her left ankle and wrist too. The doctor took a deep breath before dictating to Robyn and Lofty what they needed to do.

"-and order an urgent head CT please, thank you." She finished, putting her hands on her hips, the coarse blue material of her scrubs digging into her palms. She surveyed the scene, and after checking everything was in order, went to leave the room.

The woman turned on her heels and made to move, but she froze. Her sight had gone and replaced itself with a dark abyss instead. Connie's breathing increased and she tried to calm herself down, but failed as she realised she was having trouble speaking. The panic began to rise and didn't show any signs of stopping.

"H-h-he-pl-ease-" Her voice was barely a whisper, and she could feel her head growing heavy. Robyn glanced over to her boss and found her clutching the medicine trolley with her head down.

"Mrs Beauchamp?" She asked, going to her side. "What is it?"

"Ro-ro-byn-he-help…" Her whispers trailed away along with her consciousness, as the woman took a final breath and collapsed, Robyn only just managing to catch her before she reached the floor.

The last thing she heard was the nurse's frantic voice screaming for Charlie as everything faded away into darkness.


	4. Resolved Mysteries

**Update number 4! All is revealed in this chapter- sorry for the week's wait! I was thinking, I might jiggle round my update schedule now I've written ahead for this (I have another 10 chapters that need editing but are fully written) and update it maybe twice a week? Some of the cliff hangers are a bit cruel to leave for a full 7 days xD**

 **Also I have an idea for the very last chapter- and if I go ahead with it, then I have a feeling there might be a few broken hearts dotted around (including mine)... No spoilers ;)**

 **Thank you so much for all your lovely reviews so far! I'll be interested to see what you think of this chapter :D Hope you all enjoy! -Sophie x**

* * *

When she came around, all Connie heard was the incessant bleeping of a monitor and the faint, far away voices of her staff.

 _"_ _Is she going to be okay?"_

 _"_ _What happened?"_

 _"_ _That can't be right, she's never ill!"_

 _"_ _She's not the machine you all think she is you know."_

The last voice belonged to Charlie, and Connie struggled to open her eyes. She was hesitant at first, afraid of seeing darkness again. But as her eyelids rose, she found herself blinking in the harsh light of the ED, with Charlie, Robyn and Lofty stood at the foot of her bed.

"Welcome back." The older nurse smiled. "Do you know where you are?"

"I should hope so, I spend enough bloody time here." She muttered, internally relieved she was able to speak again. "What happened?"

"You collapsed in resus. Robyn managed to catch you though, and she called me straight after. We got you onto a bed and you ended up here. That was about an hour ago now."

Connie raised her eyebrow and gently eased herself into a sitting position before looking around. "Here" was the side cubicle used for more pressing cases, and she was slightly flattered that they'd given her some privacy.

"What's my diagnosis then, what's up with me? Exhaustion?" She asked light-heartedly, and watched Charlie's face as it became serious. He looked to the nurses either side of him and bit his lip.

"Come on kids, I'm sure there's plenty of patients need seeing to. I'll take over from here."

Connie immediately became suspicious. Even his tone of voice was more serious than she'd ever heard it before, and she began to prepare herself for a telling off. "You should have come to me blah blah blah", "I told you so blah blah blah".

"Bye Mrs Beauchamp, hope you feel better soon." Robyn beamed, and Connie smiled slightly, having to bite her own lip when Lofty tripped over Charlie's shoe and stumbled out the room. The remaining nurse watched the door, and waited until it fell shut before speaking.

"Robyn managed to catch you before you hit the floor, but I did a head CT anyway seeing as you've been having these headaches and whatnot. I didn't let the other two know; despite your attitude towards them sometimes, they look up to you. Robyn especially."

Connie nodded, slightly impatient. "I know. I still remember my first day here as if it were yesterday, now get to the point- you're making me nervous."

Charlie raised his eyebrows.

"Connie Beauchamp, nervous?"

"Oh shut up." She snapped. "Come on, hit me with it."

Charlie took a deep breath, smirk slowly falling from his face.

"The CT results showed a mass on your brain. It's only small, but as you know, things like that can grow very quickly."

Connie was silent. Was he referring to what she thought he was?

"Are you trying to tell me I have a brain tumour Charlie?" Her voice, despite her best efforts, wavered slightly as she looked directly at him. He nodded slowly.

"I'm going to refer you to Oncology and they'll take it from here. They'll need to take a sample to test whether it's cancerous or not."

A sudden wave of nausea swept over the patient as the sound of that dreaded word reached her ears, and she clapped a hand to her mouth. Charlie grabbed a cardboard bowl and Connie threw up the entire contents of her stomach out of sheer shock.

She was a consultant for goodness sakes, why didn't she notice this before? All her symptoms were those of a brain tumour- headaches, nausea, dizziness, vision problems, speech problems- they were all there, plain as day.

"How did I not notice?" She whispered to herself when she'd finished with the bowl. Charlie handed her some paper towels and a drink before sighing.

"We are our own worst patients Connie, you know that. If our mind doesn't co-operate then how are we meant to know? Diagnosing other people is easy because we don't have to live with the consequences. Whereas diagnosing ourselves- we do." He said simply. "Don't blame yourself."

"But I do Charlie!" She sighed, frustrated. "I do- I'm a doctor, I'm meant to know these things!"

"Cut yourself some slack Connie, like I said its different diagnosing yourself. You can't be spot on all of the time."

"Mistakes cause compensation tribunals and make us loose our livelihoods."

Charlie looked down at her and just shook his head.

"Mistakes are what make us human. You might not believe that but it's true. Now, I need to get back to work so I'll be back in an hour to assess you. Until then I order you to stay where you are and try get some rest. No moving."

"What if I need the toilet?" She crossed her arms. The nurse answered her on his way out of the room.

"There's a bedpan in the cupboard, you know that." He called as the doors swung shut and Connie was left alone.


	5. Out of one's comfort zone

**Surprise!**

 **I know the update day for this fic is Tuesday, but I've decided to jiggle it around a little so it's now Mondays and Thursdays :)**

 **I hope you enjoy this chapter- the next contains some sweet Charlie/Connie moments (those moments in the show make me squeal so much!) :D Reviews would be lovely! -Sophie x**

* * *

That evening Connie was discharged with strict instructions to go to her oncology appointment the next day. She was to see a Dr Clara Dawson, a woman she'd only heard about briefly before from the gossips up on Darwin- apparently she was fairly nice, though did have a habit of sleeping with other people's husbands…

That evening the woman barely slept (which was understandable) and spent most of the night tossing and turning. All she could think about was the results of this biopsy she'd be having done the following evening. What if the results came back cancerous? What if chemo and/or radiotherapy was ineffective? She knew she shouldn't have, but Connie had already researched the chances of living after the diagnosis- 40% live only a year, 19% up to five years and a mere 14% live up to 10 years. These figures shocked the consultant, especially now they could be relevant to her. Being a medical professional is a whole new ball game when your own body is put into the equation.

…

That following morning, she awoke to a loud clap of thunder outside her bedroom window. Torrents of rain bombarded the glass and the wind roared as it tore through the trees. Her clock said 8am but going by the sky outside, it could have been midnight for all she knew.

A storm wasn't forecast but that was British weather for you; unpredictable and ruthless in its efficiency to throw you completely off course. Connie dressed and managed a few small bites of toast before giving up and switching on the TV instead. Goodness knows why because she couldn't focus on the programme for the life of her. She didn't even know what she was watching for most of the day.

Her appointment was for 9pm, their very last one as she was booked in on a very short notice. That meant she had the whole day off to sit and wait.

At half past 8 she left her house, stomach sinking lower and lower the closer to the hospital she got. By the time she reached the ominous building, the woman felt so sick she had to take a few deep breaths before leaving her car.

Inside, the corridors were brightly lit as she followed the signs leading to oncology. It was strange being in this part of the hospital again; she was used to the hustle and bustle of the ED now, and being back on the wards was an eerie change. She followed the unfamiliar route until she reached the right ward, and after letting the receptionist know of her arrival she went and took a seat. Inside her coat pocket, her phone vibrated and she took it out to see who it was.

"Is that your car parked in the general car park? Guy."

"Nosey git." She muttered under her breath before replying.

"How many other people do you know that can afford a personalised number plate on a Mercedes? Yes it's my car."

"Alright, alright. What brings you to the wards?"

"Not your presence I can tell you that."

"Always the charmer Connie."

"I know. Have to go, don't message me again."

She switched the machine off as she stood and followed a man who had just called her name. He led her to a small office and let her in. Behind a very cluttered desk was a young slim woman, and she smiled warmly when the door opened.

"Mrs Beauchamp? Pleasure to meet you, I'm Clara Dawson head of oncology. You're here for a… head, biopsy?" She read from a sheet of paper before glancing up to see the brunette nod.

"Ok. Well Dr Clarke here will lead you to a room and get you prepped- I'll see you in theatre."

"Thank you." The clinical lead stood and followed the man again, this time to a small room just larger than her wardrobe at home. He motioned towards the bed where a hospital gown was waiting for her.

"Get changed and leave your clothes on the chair. Let me know when you're done, I'll wait outside."

"Yes you _will_ wait outside." Connie mumbled under her breath, standing still until she was sure the door was locked before undressing quickly. She knocked on the door then got into bed. When Dr Clarke, who told her to call him Noah, had finished checking her obs he gave her the sedative and waited until she dropped off before wheeling her to theatre.

…

An hour later and Connie woke up for the second time that day. She was in the same wardrobe sized room she'd gotten undressed in and she was completely alone. Her head was throbbing worse than ever before, and she gingerly moved her hand to her hair and felt the soft white bandage that covered the bleeding scar. Knowing where to feel, she let her arm fall to the side of the bed and pressed the attention button, before waiting for someone to show up.

It was Dr Dawson.

"Ah Mrs Beauchamp you're awake- that's good. How are you feeling?"

"Like someone's hit me over the head with a frying pan." She muttered, closing her eyes. "Can I not have something for the pain?"

"You've already had some IV paracetamol." the oncologist motioned to the drip attached to her pale skin, "I can give you some morphine but you won't be able to go home alone, I'll have to call someone to pick you up."

"Yes, fine, whatever- just get rid of this headache before I strangle someone."

"I'll call a nurse to come administer that for you. Once it's been fed in you should be able to go home in an hour or so. Who would you like me to call for you?"

Connie realised then that she had no friends whose names immediately sprang to mind. She thought for a few moments before coming to a decision.

"Can you call Charlie Fairhead please, he should be in the ED."

Clara nodded and flicked her long blonde hair over one shoulder.

"That's fine. I'll be back in an hour to discharge you, but if you need me between now and then then use the attention button."

"Fine, thank you."

"See you then." And with that she left, calling someone's name outside to sort out her morphine. Connie kept her eyes firmly shut and sighed.

The results couldn't come quick enough.


	6. It Begins

**This was originally two shorter chapters, but I put them together to make a bit of a change. Hope you all enjoy and reviews would be lovely! -Sophie x**

* * *

Charlie was in the middle of a resus case when Tess came to find him.

"There's someone on the phone for you, a Dr Dawson from oncology. She mentioned Connie?" The woman looked confused to begin with, but then even more so when her colleague darted off to the phone before she had another chance to speak.

"Hello its Mr Fairhead." He said, out of breath. "What can I do for you?"

"Hello there I'm Clara Dawson, head of oncology. I have a Connie Beauchamp here who needs someone to pick her up and she asked for you."

"Why does she need picking up, is she alright?" His eyebrows furrowed slightly. "She only had a biopsy."

"I know but we had to give her some morphine as she was complaining of really bad headaches. We don't let our patients go home alone once it's been administered, just in case they react to it or experience any serious side effects. She's being discharged in half an hour, will you be ok to pick her up then?"

"Ah ok. Well I'm in the middle of my shift so uh, I'll have to ask for leave but I should be ok to, yes. Half an hour you said?"

"I did."

"Ok, I'll be up then. See you soon Dr Dawson."

"Bye Mr Fairhead. Oh no wait, before you go-" She said quickly.

"Yes?"

"Is she _the_ Connie Beauchamp? As in, the notorious cardiothoracic "Ice Queen" Connie Beauchamp?"

The man rolled his eyes. "Yes, that would be her."

"Oh wow. Okay, thanks. Well, see you soon."

"Bye."

He put the phone down and turned around to find Tess stood directly behind him, her arms crossed.

"Why has Connie had a biopsy?"

Charlie shushed her and ran his hands through his hair, looking around. The nearest person to them was Max who was mopping up some sick, but he seemed in a world of his own.

"My office." He said quietly, leading the way and shutting the door behind them.

"Why so secretive?" The nurse asked, "Surely it can't be that bad."

"Oh I don't know." He half sighed, sitting down. "Right, this does not leave this room, understood?"

"Yes. Come on, you're worrying me a bit now."

"You promise?" He raised his eyebrows but Tess just let out a short laugh.

"Charlie what do you want me to do, pinky swear?! _I promise, ok?_ "

"Right." The man took a deep breath before coming right out with it.

"I found a mass on Connie's brain yesterday on the CT scan after she collapsed. She's been having all the symptoms of a brain tumour for a couple of weeks now so I've sent her for a biopsy with oncology to see whether… whether it's cancerous or not." He couldn't make eye contact with Tess as her mouth slowly fell open.

"No." She breathed, "Poor Connie. I mean, we're not the best of friends or anything but she's still one of us. She must be going through hell."

"If this is hell then I dread what she's going to feel like if the results come back positive." The man sighed, sitting back in his chair. "I'm going to pick her up from oncology in half an hour and take her home. Will you let Zoe or Dylan know I need the rest of my shift off? Just tell them… I don't know, tell them it's a family thing, anything but the truth. For her sake."

Tess nodded before opening the door. She turned back before she left.

"Let me know how she is."

Charlie nodded and she smiled slightly before going back out into cubicles, the door slowly falling shut as she walked away.

…

The nurse made it up to oncology just in time. Connie was waiting for him in a wheelchair, turning her phone over and over in her hands.

"Connie." He smiled, coming to stand in front of her. "Did it go okay?"

She nodded, not looking at him but instead to the blue tiled floor. A woman came up behind the chair and looked at the nurse with bright eyes.

"Mr Fairhead I presume? Dr Dawson, lovely to meet you." They shook hands and Charlie cleared his throat.

"So, are we okay to go straight away?"

The doctor nodded.

"Just look out for the usual side effects- nausea, vomiting, drowsiness or dizziness, that sort of thing. If any of that occurs in extremes then please come back straight away. Your results will be posted to you within the week Connie, along with another appointment with me. If you can't make it then please phone and let us know so we can reschedule with you. Is that ok?"

She looked at the brunette expectantly, but she only nodded, again without saying a word or making eye contact. Charlie frowned slightly- this wasn't like her.

"Thank you Dr Dawson, see you around." He said in goodbye before wheeling his boss out of the ward. All the way down to the entrance they didn't speak a word, until they got outside and went through the general car park to the ED one. Just before they reached the front of the department, Charlie wheeled her into the garden, stopped and moved to sit on a bench facing her.

"What's the matter." He said softly. His gentle tone of voice got through to the brunette and she bit her lip before shaking her head.

"Nothing." She muttered. He just raised his eyebrows.

"Nice try. You've not spoken a word all the way down here. I expected you to complain about something to do with your test, if not everything."

"It was fine." Her voice was flat, but Charlie was still unconvinced.

"If that was ok then tell me what isn't. Is it the waiting? Because I could get the results fast-tracked for you-"

"No, Charlie, it isn't that." Connie sighed, closing her eyes briefly before opening them again.

"I can't believe I'm saying this." She whispered to herself before speaking up.

"I'm scared, okay? I've had some time to think today and I've realised I'm scared of being so vulnerable when I've spent years so strong and resilient. It scares me how one thing can come along and turn your life upside down like this- if, if the worst _does_ happen then what am I going to do? I could lose my sight Charlie, my speech, I could become paralysed-" She stopped as tears began to prick her eyes and she tilted her head backwards.

Charlie couldn't speak for a few moments- her little speech had thrown him slightly on what to say. How do you comfort a person who has just been tested for a cancerous brain tumour?

"This is going to be hard," he began cautiously, "there's no denying that. But you have to listen to me- it's ok to be scared. This is your life that could be drastically altered here, there's no shame in admitting that it's too overwhelming. If the worst does happen then it happens, but there'll be plenty of opportunities to try stop it first. We live in the 21st century remember, we have chemo and radiotherapies now."

"But what if they don't work?" Connie's voice was small as she looked into his eyes. At that moment Charlie knew she was out of her depth and he realised just how scared she really was. He stood and rubbed her arm gently before pushing the wheelchair again.

He had no answer to her question that wouldn't be fuel to a fire of fear. Instead he kept quiet and took her to her car before helping her inside, then running the wheelchair into the ED with orders to return it to upstairs. When he got back to the car he found Connie staring out of the window, her teary eyes sparkling under the light from the streetlamps which had flickered on a few minutes before. Her hands were clasped in her lap, clenched tight in unease.

Charlie climbed in and switched on the engine before quickly glancing over the controls.

"Right, ready to go?" He asked, watching as his companion nodded.

"Just please don't scratch the paintwork on anything." She said quietly, the corners of her lips twitching slightly.

"I'll do my best." He grinned, before putting his foot on the peddle and immediately stalling it.

Connie just rolled her eyes and ignored his sheepish looks, letting her eyelids flutter shut and leaning against the window, the cool glass gently soothing her to sleep just as Charlie got the car out of the car park and onto the road.


	7. Reality or nightmare?

**Update!**

 **I know I said I'd update twice a week, but I recently accepted a job offer (my first ever!) and I start in two weeks time- meaning I wont have time to write and update twice a week. So I'll go back to once a week, Tuesdays, and I should have enough time to write and update then!**

 **This chapter was written at my friend's house when we had a sleepover, so if it seems a little different then that's why. Also it has a bit of an eerie ending...**

 **Hope you all enjoy and reviews would be lovely! -Sophie x**

* * *

It took but half an hour to get to Connie's house, and it was only when Charlie turned off the ignition that he realised she was asleep. He paused for a moment, unsure of what to do- does he try carry her in or does he wake her up?

His eyes flickered to the bandage on her head which had faint crimson spots in a vague line- a reminder of the unease she'd be feeling for the next week. After slowly realising he was no longer the spring chicken he once was, he sighed and gently shook her arm.

"Connie? Connie, come on." He whispered, watching her stir and open her eyes blearily.

"Mmm?" She mumbled before slowly letting her eyes fall shut again.

"No- no, come on now stay awake." Charlie urged her, getting out of the car and going round to open her door. "We need to get you inside. Where's your key?"

There wasn't much use trying to speak to her; she was asleep again, the after effects of the morphine and sleepless nights now kicking in. The nurse realised the only way to get her inside was to carry her.

"You're so bloody stubborn." He muttered, pulling her handbag onto his shoulder then slipping his hands under her knees and behind her back, before gently lifting her up and slamming the door shut with his leg. She was surprisingly lighter than he had been expecting, but was still a heavy weight compared to what the nurse was used to lifting.

He fumbled (with great difficulty) in her bag and got her keys out before unlocking the door and stumbling inside. Luckily the alarm wasn't on otherwise he'd have had a real problem, so he took the woman straight upstairs and into what he presumed to be her room.

It was predominantly white with a double bed just as you entered. A large dresser stood in front of it and a full length mirror sat to the side of the largest built-in wardrobe Charlie had ever seen. He gently laid the woman down and pulled the covers over her, but just as he went to straighten up a searing pain shot down the full length of his back.

"Aargh- bugger." He hissed, rubbing it furiously. He found, after much pain, that he couldn't straighten up much or walk for that matter. The nurse silently cursed himself and thought about his options- simply, they were either risk more pain and suffering and try descend the stairs, or stay here and either sleep on the floor or… on Connie's bed.

Charlie weighed up his options. He'd been in this situation before and he knew trying to move was a bad idea, which ruled going downstairs out of the question. He hadn't slept on the floor since he was a student, and he had a feeling that was how he got his bad back in the first place. Which left Connie's bed.

He had no idea what he was thinking when he gently sat on the other side of her mattress, then slowly rolled onto his side and pulled his legs up after him. He could feel Connie's body even at the edge of his side, and he felt very uncomfortable. However it was late now and he had been on a double shift, meaning his eyes were drooping and his muscles ached. He needed a proper bed to sleep in, and unable to move; Connie's was his only option.

It's too late now, he thought, closing his eyes. I'll have to explain in the morning, but with a bit of luck I might wake up before her. Hmmm. I hope so anyway.

And with that final thought, he drifted away to sleep, body now slightly more relaxed.

…

 _Connie opened her eyes, blinking in the harsh white light that seemed to surround her, to engulf her in its cleanliness. She glanced down and quickly realised she was in a hospital gown and laid on a trolley bed, just as the room came into a little more focus. Her colleagues from the ED were stood either side of her bed, as well as Sam, Grace and Elliot Hope. All the people she cared about. Upon further inspection however, she realised their faces were tear stained, eyes red and bloodshot. Sam stood with both hands on his daughter's shoulders, though the tremors running through them didn't go unnoticed. Lofty had his arm around Robyn who was sobbing gently, and Tess leant against Charlie's side, a crumpled tissue in her clenched fist._

 _The sound of short beeps from a heart monitor slowly increased as two more figures appeared in front of a bright light, just at the foot of her bed._

 _"_ _It's time to let go Constance." The first figure spoke, and Connie immediately realised it was her father speaking._

 _"_ _Dad?" She whispered, and William nodded before the other figure took a step forwards._

 _"_ _I'm here too Connie. I can speak and move again, it's wonderful. I'm cured and I'm free, and soon you will be too." The second figure was Alfred Maxwell, and the brunette's eyes filled with tears._

 _"_ _Why are you both here?"_

 _"_ _It's time for you to move on now. Your friends are here, we are here- it's time to go. The tumour spread too much; it's time to rid yourself of this burden of a life. It's time to die." Her father smiled._

 _Connie's heart plunged as the sound of another monitor began to blare out. Her chest constricted and try as she might, she couldn't move. The woman struggled and struggled to make her limbs do something, anything; but to no avail. She was stuck inside her body which had become, like Alfred's had, but a shell._

 _The unbearable loud beeps from the heart monitor merged into one long, continuous sound, and all the people around her closed their eyes except for Charlie, who looked up above the Connie's head._

 _"_ _Time of death, 5:53am, em, em, em." His voice echoed as she began to scream, eyes widening in fear as the scene turned pitch black and her own voice faded away into the dark._

…

"Connie? Connie!"

The woman awoke with a jolt, immediately scrambling to sit up, relieved when her arms and legs co-operated with her thoughts. She was drenched in sweat and panting heavily, tears falling down her now rosy red cheeks as her eyes flickering from the side of her bed to the foot of it, and finally to her right hand side, jumping when she found Charlie looking back at her.

"I'm not dead. I'm not dead, I'm telling you you were wrong! How could you say that?" She gulped for air whilst Charlie sighed, standing and slowly making his way round to sit at the edge of her side of the bed. As soon as he sat down she edged away from him, looking the nurse up and down, evidently still half asleep.

"You had a nightmare Connie. You got tangled in your bedsheet and panicked. You woke me up screaming a minute or so since. Are you alright?" He looked concerned as the clinical lead took some deep breaths, running her hands through her hair.

It was a nightmare. She was alive, she was at home and she was ok.

Well, she might be ok.

The brunette nodded in answer to the nurse's question, tilting her head back to stop the tears.

"Here." Charlie said gently, proffering her a small packet of tissues. She took one gratefully and dabbed at her eyes, before coming to a realisation and frowning slightly.

"How did I end up here?"

"You fell asleep on the way home from your biopsy. I had to carry you from the car and ended up doing my back in, so I had to… well I had to sleep there." He nodded towards where he had been laid, and Connie blinked a few times.

"You slept in my bed? With me?" It was too early to make much sense of the situation but Charlie was quick to defend himself.

"No I slept _on top of_ your bed. And I faced the other way all night, I promise."

There was a weird, slightly awkward silence for a few moments until Connie shook her head.

"I really could not care less at this moment in time. I need a coffee." She mumbled, moving to get up. The nurse stood first though and moved to the door.

"I'll get it, you need to make sure your head's alright before you get up. Black no sugar?" He raised his eyebrows in question and Connie nodded.

"Good guess, thanks."

"No problem- I need one too." He grinned, watching his colleague roll her eyes before leaving. Just as she went to stand however, her eyes caught the time on the clock at the side of her bed.

It read 5:53am.


	8. The Mind is an Unforgiving Place

**Today's update! Sorry it's a little late :) Hope you enjoy and reviews would be lovely! -Sophie x**

* * *

The kettle had just boiled but Charlie took no notice; he was in a world of his own, staring out of the window over the sink. The sun was rising over the hills behind Connie's house- the signal of a brand new day.

The past 24 hours had shaken the nurse, more than he had originally thought. Seeing his boss so afraid like this was a completely new concept for him, but he knew if the results came back positive then it was something he'd have to get used to. The woman seemed to have formed some kind of bond with him, and he couldn't deny it- he knew it was there. She seemed much more at ease with Charlie than she did the other staff, something that hadn't gone unnoticed by them either; Tess had mentioned it a few times. She'd also mentioned that he was the only person who seemed to tolerate her completely, but the nurse shrugged it off as part of the nature of his job.

Only now did he realise that he had actually begun to _care_ for his boss. Her vulnerability the previous evening and that morning evoked the same emotion present when he found Louis under the knife in Bucharest. He'd started to worry for her like he did with his own son.

"The kettle boiled 5 minutes ago you know."

Connie's voice interrupted his thoughts, and he turned to find her stood by the door, arms crossed. The nurse went to speak but she put her hand up to stop him.

"I'm fine, Charlie."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded and sat down at the kitchen table. "I've done the standard vision and memory checks and I'm fine. So are you going to pour that water or not?"

"Sorry." He muttered, tipping the not-so-boiling liquid into the two mugs and giving them a stir. "Thinking. Here you go." He passed her a warm cup and sat opposite her. She smiled slightly, looking down into the swirling black liquid which was vaguely reminiscent of the darkness from her nightmare.

"It's ok. Sometimes you can almost feel like you're drowning in your own thoughts. God knows I do." She muttered the last part as she lifted the coffee to her lips, feeling the warmness fall down her throat and settle in her stomach. Charlie just looked to the floor.

"Are you going into work today?" He eventually asked as he felt the silence grow denser.

"Yes, why wouldn't I?" The brunette seemed almost confused at the question. "Like I said, I feel fine."

"I know but I thought you could do with a day or so off, just to get your head around things. All this, it's a lot to take in." He sipped at his own drink, the steam clouding his vision as he watched his boss over the rim.

"I have evenings for that." Her answer was short and she stood, clearing her throat as she pushed her chair under the table.

"I'll go get dressed then I'll drop you home to change- we may as well go in together."

The nurse nodded, gulping down the last few mouthfuls of his drink before putting it in the sink and going to wait in the living room. He walked in and looked around, taking in all the little insights into Connie's life.

Some shelves behind the door held a vast collection of pictures and cardiothoracic books, and he moved to take a closer look. In the middle of the shelves, in pride place were a book with a picture either side. The book was the one Alfred Maxwell signed and had given to her upon his death, and Charlie's lips twitched. The picture to one side was a fairly old one, of her and a man in hospital. Judging by his appearance, the nurse hazarded a guess that it was her father. The picture to the right hand side was of her, Grace and Sam, possibly in New York going by the tall buildings behind them. All three faces were bright and smiling; they looked like a proper family.

The sound of footsteps became louder as Connie descended the steps.

"Come on." She called, slipping her feet into a pair of heels and pulling a jacket over her shoulders. The nurse came out of the living room and pulled on his own jacket before following her to the car, climbing into the passenger's seat and waiting for Connie to turn on the ignition.

…

The two spent the journey in silence, the loudest noise made when the clinical lead pulled onto the motorway and the dull roar of cars became louder. Eventually Charlie spoke.

"What happened in your nightmare?" He asked quietly, looking straight ahead. Out of the corner of his eye, the nurse noticed Connie's grip on the wheel tighten.

"Nothing."

"Oh don't give me this again. You should have learned from last night that that doesn't work with me."

The clinical lead pursed her lips before internally sighing.

"I was in hospital, surrounded by you all from the ED as well as Sam, Grace and Elliott. My- my father," she gulped slightly, "and Alfred- they appeared at the end of my bed. My father said it was time to die. Then my pulse disappeared and I couldn't move. You pronounced me dead, then everything went black and I woke up."

The nurse turned to look out of his window, noticing a faint make-up mark where Connie had fallen asleep the previous evening.

"Ok." Was all he said. The tone of his voice however, and the loaded meaning behind the two little letters was a comfort to her. She settled back into her seat and released the death grip on the wheel.

…

Just as they were about to turn onto Charlie's road, Connie's vision blurred slightly and a sharp pain started up in her head. She turned too sharply and swerved over the pavement, reducing her speed quickly in a panic. Charlie just sat still. Eventually the car came to a stop and the woman's eyes fluttered closed as the pain became ever so slightly worse.

"Paperwork only today. If at all." Was all Charlie said before leaving the car and the woman nodded, rubbing the left side of her head in a desperate attempt to ease the pain.

It was no better when the nurse came out in a fresh pair of clothes and got back into the car. He threw a packet of paracetamol onto her lap before clipping his seatbelt in.

"Thought you might need some. You should be ok, the morphine was administered over 8 hours ago now."

"Thanks." She whispered, taking two dry before setting off again in the direction of the hospital.


	9. Kindness Goes a Long Way

**Here's update number 9!**

 **This contains a sweet moment from Ethan, our adorable little cinnamon roll :') Another shorter chapter next time as well as this one, but there's more longer ones to come!**

 **Hope you're all still enjoying it (it starts moving a little faster soon) and any reviews would be lovely :D -Sophie x**

* * *

They pulled into Connie's usual parking space and she looked up at the building apprehensively. Even the sight of her beloved ED filled her stomach with dread, but she knew that taking a day off would arouse too much suspicion with her staff force.

"Remember, paperwork only today." Charlie warned her as he got out of the car. "And come find me if the pain gets any worse please. I mean it this time."

"Yes yes, fine." The woman sighed, opening up the boot of her car and retrieving her bags. "Though I am a grown woman, I can look after myself." She muttered, locking up the car and following Charlie's footsteps into the building. She bypassed reception and went straight to her office, leaving the nurse who came with her to sign them both in. Tess came round the corner after being passed by her boss, and went to stand next to her colleague.

"You never let me know how she got on." The woman said quietly, pretending to sort out some papers. Charlie sighed.

"She's… she's ok, I guess." He said vaguely, "Sorry I need to go get changed."

With that he went through the doors leading to the staff toilets, leaving Tess stood alone by reception, slightly dazed. Putting the encounter to the back of her mind, she called out the name of her next patient and smiled before leading her through to cubicles, quickly glancing through the window in Connie's office to find her with her head in her hands.

…

That day passed in a blur for most, with a constant stream of patients flowing in and out the doors to be treated. The staff were relieved when the clock turned 8pm and they flooded into the staffroom to get changed and leave. Robyn, Max, Lofty and Noel were all chatting on the sofa, waiting for Zoe, Big Mac and Louise to finish up their work before they could go.

"Everyone's been fairly relaxed today, don't you think? It's weird." Lofty commented, turning on his phone.

"I noticed that. Even the patients seemed more at ease than usual." Noel shrugged on his jacket as his fellow receptionist made her way over to the little group.

"I thought it was probably a lack of Mrs Beauchamp." Robyn inputted. "Was she even in today?"

"Actually, I didn't see her once. I don't know but it was a nice change." Max grinned, looking up at the sound of heels to see Zoe grabbing a few things from her locker.

"Did you say Mrs Beauchamp?" Their conversation was interrupted by Ethan who turned round from where he stood by the side door.

"Uh, yeah." Robyn said slowly. "Why?"

"I have some papers she needs to sign for these registrar training days. Is she in today?"

"That's what we were discussing, none of us have actually seen her." Noel replied before standing and saying his goodbyes after spotting Big Mac waiting for him outside.

"I'll go check her office." Ethan said, pulling the papers from his bag and leaving the staff room. He made his way to the clinical lead's office and quickly peered through her window. She was there, sat at her desk with a pile of reports in front of her. However she didn't seem to be doing much, just staring into space in the direction of her cupboards. The doctor knocked tentatively and opened the door.

"Sorry to interrupt Mrs Beauchamp, I just need you to sign these papers for my training days next week."

She looked up and smiled slightly before nodding and reaching her arm out. The doctor handed her the sheets and waited for her to sign them, the silence becoming more and more noticeable. Compared to her usual reaction after being interrupted, she was considerably subdued which was not like her in the slightest. Especially now, after Rita had confessed it was her fault that the woman ended up in prison. It was unnerving.

"Here you go." The brunette put her pen down and passed him the papers back. Ethan just furrowed his eyebrows slightly as he put them back in his bag.

"Are, are you ok?" He asked, watching as something flashed over her eyes before she sat up straighter. "Half the staff didn't even think you were in today."

"I'm fine Dr Hardy. Go on, I'm busy. See you tomorrow."

"Are you sure? No-one saw you at lunch, have you eaten?"

"Dr Hardy, I said I'm busy now go- my life is none of your business." She snapped, making the doctor jump slightly.

The woman didn't notice him leave, but the next time she looked up from her papers a small satsuma and a two fingered KitKat were sat on top of her files.


	10. Life Has Become a Chain Reaction

**Another short chapter (though on time this week, sorry about that- I was in Newcastle with my mum all day last week). This isn't very well written actually, looking over it- I write in advance and I must have written this weeks ago XD so apologies, but I hope you like it anyway! -Sophie x**

* * *

Charlie finished his shift later than usual, and he was an hour late by the time he clocked off. The nurse passed through cubicles and paused outside Connie's office. She had gone.

He made his way to his old ford focus but stopped when he realised the clinical lead's car was still parked in the same place it was left that morning. Frowning slightly, he went over to see if she was there.

Connie was sat staring straight in front of her in the driver's seat, eyes glazed over, evidently deep in thought. Her hands sat clasped on her knee; she seemed the pinnacle of calmness.

Seemed, being the operative word in that sentence.

Charlie moved to her side of the car and knocked on the window. Without any indication he had surprised her, she wound her window down and looked up at him.

"Yes?"

"Um, I just wondered why you were sat, well here." He gestured to the car park. "What's up, don't you want to go home?"

"I was just…thinking." She sighed. "Didn't realise the time."

"Alright. Just so long as you didn't get caught up in the what-could-be's." He smiled.

"Mmm." Was her only reply. The nurse raised an eyebrow when she didn't make any attempt to move.

"You _don't_ want to go home do you?" Charlie said softly, and she shook her head.

"Home means sleep. Sleep means nightmares. Nightmares mean thoughts. Thoughts mean tears. It's just this whole waiting game Charlie, I don't know how anyone does it."

"With great difficulty, that's how. You'll have less than a week to wait, you've just got to battle your mind until then. Remember, you are your own worst enemy." He smiled slightly before straightening up. "You get home. Try sleeping pills from the supermarket if you're having trouble getting through the night. See you tomorrow."

Connie nodded, turning the ignition on. She looked up to him and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

"Thanks. See you." She wound her window up and reversed out of her space, turned slightly then drove away. Charlie put up his hand and stayed where he was until she disappeared from sight. Then he went back into the ED and straight to the nurse's station in cubicles, picking up a phone and reading from the list of department numbers next to it until he got the right one. The man dialled it and waited for an answer.

"Dr Dawson, how can I help?" The young woman's voice filled Charlie's ear as he cleared his throat.

"It's Charlie Fairhead from the ED. I was wondering if we could talk about Connie Beauchamp's biopsy…"

…

Back home, Connie was raiding her cupboards and drawers for sleeping pills. She had bought some for her nights in the on call room at work as there was never any chance of peace there, and each time she used them they worked.

She found the little blue packet eventually, hidden in her tea-towel drawer beneath a mountain of chequered cloths. After checking they were in date, the woman made herself a drink and went up to bed, popping a couple of pills into her mouth as she went.

Once in her pyjamas, Connie laid on her back and stared up at the ceiling. Charlie's words echoed in her mind- "You are your own worst enemy", over and over again. It was true though; she was starting to battle both her mind _and_ her body, from evil thoughts and heartless diseases, something she wasn't very used to, and she would be lying if she said she wasn't scared.

Not so much scared of how her body and mind would change, but of how harsh her own body could be on her. She never took much notice when she treat her patients, their ails just kept her in a job. The woman never stopped to think just how malicious they could become. The body really is a cruel mistress.

These were her last thoughts before drifting off to sleep, her arms falling to her sides as she finally managed to relax.


	11. Gaggle Of Gossips

**Hello from the Channel Islands! I'm currently on holiday in Jersey as I post this xD Thank god our cottage has wifi! Here's this week's update after the trauma of the website being down this morning :'( I hope you enjoy, and reviews would be a very lovely surprise to come back to later on! -Sophie x**

 **(P.S- The next chapter focuses on a chat between Connie and Tess outside of the ED environment :D)**

* * *

That following morning, Connie avoided Charlie as much as she possibly could. As soon as she spotted him heading towards her, she promptly turned and walked away in the opposite direction. It was just past lunch when he finally managed to speak to her- walking into her office without knocking and shutting the door behind him.

"Connie? Have I done something wrong?"

The woman raised her eyebrows, half in shock half in annoyance, and opened her mouth slightly.

"Yes, who is it? Oh Charlie, sorry I'm busy- come back later." She said sarcastically, crossing her arms.

"That didn't answer my question." He said flatly.

"No, you haven't. Now I'm busy so if you don't mind-"

"Then why have you been avoiding me like the plague all day?" He interrupted. "All I wanted was to talk to you."

"Like I said, I've been busy. I still am." She said pointedly, eyes scanning the papers on her desk. Charlie just sighed and sat down.

"This won't take a minute."

Connie rolled her eyes. "Fine."

"When you left last night, I phoned up Dr Dawson on Oncology-" He began, and immediately the woman protested.

"Shush, listen to what I'm saying." Charlie said sharply. Taken aback, she went quiet, looking down at her hands.

"Anyway, I phoned her and asked about fast tracking your results. As the nurse who first treated you and a colleague, she had to listen to my concerns, and she agreed to make your test a priority. The letter should be delivered here tomorrow morning. Now- that wasn't so hard was it?" He said quietly. Connie continued to appear fascinated with her fingers.

"Connie?"

"Yes, yes ok. Fine, whatever. Now will you leave me in peace please?" Her head shot up and she looked at him, gaze full of warning.

"Fine. Though a thank you wouldn't have gone unappreciated." He muttered under his breath, getting up and leaving the room, revisiting the urge to slam the door on his way out. Connie sat back in her chair, and ever so slowly a smile appeared on her face.

"Thanks Charlie." She whispered, reaching for her mouse and opening up her e-mails.

…

Meanwhile Robyn, Lofty and Ethan were all at the nurse's station, chatting whilst they worked.

"Charlie seems a bit on edge today doesn't he?" Ethan commented, looking up from the computer screen as the nurse walked past. The other two nurses looked at each other, not saying anything.

"What?" The doctor frowned, turning on his chair to face them. Lofty looked away and Robyn bit her lip.

"Um, nothing." She smiled, sorting out her patient files she was clutching. Ethan just raised his eyebrow.

"You're a terrible liar. Come on, spill."

She sighed. "I've not been told I can't say anything but I don't think I should either…"

"Robyn!" The doctor exclaimed, "Tell!"

"Fine!" She put up her hands and leant against the desk, her voice quietening.

"Ever since Bucharest, he and Mrs Beauchamp seem to have gotten closer, you know, as friends. Well, she collapsed in resus a few days ago and he insisted he took her case-"

"Wait, she _collapsed_?" Ethan said, confused. "She's our clinical lead, how did the rest of us not know this?"

"We were sworn to secrecy mate. Sorry." Lofty shrugged his shoulders, arms crossed.

"Anyway, carrying on- he didn't want us to know but he took her for a head CT whilst she was still unconscious." The ginger haired nurse raised her eyebrows. "And before you say anything- I caught her before she hit the floor so she didn't need one for that reason."

"So what are you saying? You think there's something more going on with her?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying." She said mysteriously, raising her eyebrows before going to see to her patient, Lofty following her and leaving Ethan more than confused at the computer.


	12. Tick Tock

**Chapter 12!**

 **Next update is the major chapter; the one where she gets her results! It's also nice and long after all these short ones :)**

 **Hope you enjoy and reviews would be welcomed! -Sophie x**

* * *

Connie left late that evening and alone, making her way to the car then out onto the roads. She headed for the local supermarket, trying everything to keep her thoughts from the elephant in her mind.

The clinical lead picked up a basket and pushed it onto one arm before wandering down the first isle. She aimlessly picked up a bag of apples and dropped them into the basket before moving on, descending further and further into her own conscience as she walked until she eventually addressed the one flashing thought that stood out against the rest- her results were coming tomorrow.

The brunette turned the corner and scanned the shelves for her favourite breakfast cereal. In less than 24 hours she will know; whether she'll get to carry on her life as normal or whether it will be drastically changed.

The thought of all the different treatments for the tumour was enough to churn her stomach- chemo and radio therapy surfacing as the most worrying. Ever since she was young, Connie's appearance had been her life; both literally and mentally. Her stunning features had had their uses over the years, and she loved her long eyelashes and curly brown locks immensely. She was just the right weight too- bordering on slightly underweight with the recent stress and worry but other than that the woman was perfectly healthy. However, if the outcome was the worst then she knew all that would change.

The consultant's hair would almost definitely begin to fall out, most likely leading to her shaving it off so it looked even remotely normal. A wig would probably come into the situation too, though the idea of having someone else's hair on her head made the woman shudder. Connie's weight would drop to scarily low levels and be a cause of concern for everybody other than her. By that point, she imagined she's just be used to the trauma and the pain- the side effects of dying which was a side effect of life.

"I have to agree with you, the decision between cornflakes and cheerios is always a tough one with me too."

Connie broke away from her thoughtful trance to find Tess stood next to her, pushing a trolley full of food.

"Sorry, I was in a world of my own. Excuse me." She mumbled, grabbing a box of cornflakes and making to move, until the older woman reached out and gently stopped her.

"Are you alright?" She asked, looking up into her boss' eyes. Connie just looked away and crossed her arms.

"Yes. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You have just had a biopsy." Tess raised an eyebrow as the woman in front of her froze, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. Her fingers brushed against the raised scar from the incision before being tucked away under her arm again.

"That's ridiculous, I don't know where you got that from but-"

She was interrupted by the nurse pursing her lips before speaking.

"-Charlie told me. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time is all and I promised not to tell a soul." She put her hands up in defeat. "We haven't always seen eye to eye but that doesn't mean I don't care."

Connie took a deep breath, nodding.

"Ok. That's ok, just as long as no-one else finds out. Not until the results at least."

"They won't." She smiled, moving her trolley closer to the shelf so an elderly man could get past them. "So I'll ask again; are you alright?"

The clinical lead faltered in her answer.

"Just a little… I don't know." She sighed, "My emotions are all over the place- I'm getting the results tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Tess sounded slightly shocked. "That's quick. Were they fast tracked?"

The brunette nodded. "I can't deal with this whole waiting game."

"You know I've always wondered why it was called a game. It's a bit sadistic if you think about it." The nurse mused. "But it is hard, yes. Unfortunately the future is not ours to peep into. But look on the bright side Connie- you'll know by tomorrow lunch time. The end is in sight."

"More like a mirage." The brunette muttered under her breath before smiling slightly.

"I suppose. Sorry but I really need to get moving Tess- see you tomorrow."

"See you- oh and Connie?" She called and the woman span round.

"If you ever need to talk." Tess smiled, and her boss nodded before walking away to another isle, the ever so uneasy feeling in her stomach getting worse.


	13. Judgement Day

**I am so sorry I forgot to update yesterday- I'd been working for 3 days straight when I'm only used to one day a week, so by the time I got home I was really tired. Then I went to my dads and forgot to take my laptop with me- because I was so tired!**

 **ANYWAY**

 **This is it- the ultimate chapter! Well, for a while anyway... ;) No spoilers. I hope you enjoy and reviews would be very lovely! -Sophie** x

* * *

That following morning, Connie awoke far earlier than her alarm. The clock face read 5:53am, but the sun was already beginning to rise over the horizon, casting a faint glow as it's' rays passed through her white curtains. Her shift began at 11am that particular day, but she was already wide awake so she decided it was time to get up.

The clinical lead stood, gripping her bed post as the room swam in front of her eyes. The searing pain in her head flared and she felt her stomach churn, both reminders of what the day had in store for her.

In a matter of hours all her suspense would vanish, destroyed by one single piece of paper held in her nimble fingers. Just hours.

Legs trembling slightly, she made her way downstairs and turned off the alarm before shuffling into the kitchen. After making a coffee and pouring herself a bowl of cereal, Connie went and sat in her living room and turned on the TV.

"…there have been no reports of any fatalities as of yet, but we're still getting minutely updates from our team at the scene. Kelly Jacobs reports."

"The news, how _cheerful_." She muttered sarcastically, skipping the channel.

"…but Charlene, we belong together!"

"American romance film, how _unpredictable_." Her tone of voice stayed the same as she skipped that channel and a few more, until finally settling on the music channel which was playing that week's top 40.

It provided great background music for not eating her cereal in fear of throwing it back up, sipping at her coffee and scalding her lips, staring aimlessly out of the window at nothing in particular and falling faster and faster into a lonely silence. Soon enough, the house was still again as if she weren't even there.

That was, until her mobile rang on the arm chair next to her.

"Hello, Connie Beauchamp?." She spoke quietly, stirring from her solitary mood as the loud hustle and bustle of the ED filled her ears.

"Connie? It's Charlie. I know you're not due in until 11 but there's been a multi-car RTC and St James' is refusing to take any more casualties. Can you make it in now?"

The brunette glanced down at her black silk dressing gown, where only a pair of lacy black underwear hid beneath.

"I've only just woken up. Give me an hour?" She ran a hand through her tousled hair, trying to untangle the knots from her night of tossing and turning.

"Fine, just be as quick as possible. See you soon."

"Bye- oh wait-" She said urgently. "Has it arrived yet?"

The line went silent for a moment.

"Charlie?"

"I'm still here. It's on your desk."

"Oh. Right, ok. Bye."

"Bye."

She cut him off and took a deep breath, nerves already beginning to set in.

It was time to go meet her future.

…

As soon as she stepped foot out of her car, she was called into action by Dixie climbing out of the ambulance. In the short space of two hours, she treat 5 different patients all involved in the car crash. One was the driver who caused the crash, and she wasn't as lucky as some others.

Charlie made his way into resus just as she went into VF. Connie started compressions and called for the defibrillator, which Zoe fetched from the other side of the room. From the end of the bed, Charlie could see how nervy his boss was. And it was understandable too- the envelope concealing her diagnosis was sat a matter of feet away, and she couldn't open it. It was tormenting her thoughts beyond anything she'd experienced before.

"It's been 40 minutes, are we all agreed?" Zoe glanced round at her colleagues and they all nodded, except for Connie.

"Connie?"

"No." She said firmly, compressing the woman's chest with every last ounce of strength she had. The consultant glanced back to the elderly nurse and he shook his head before moving closer to the tall brunette.

"She's gone."

"No." The clinical lead repeated, though her movements faltered. "No."

"Yes, but there was nothing you could do about it."

"There was. There always is- she didn't deserve that." Her voice was low as she looked away from him, closing her eyes and squeezing them tight.

"Come on Connie, let's catch our break." He said softly, reaching out and gently moving her hands from the patient's body.

"Fine." Her voice was barely audible as she walked out of the room, past her staff who looked slightly alarmed.

"Is she alright?" Zoe asked Charlie as he passed her, but he just put his hands up and followed his boss out of the door.

…

By the time he had shut her office door, Connie was already sat at her desk, letter in hand. She looked down at it, the apprehension evident in her eyes that read her name and address fleetingly, before letting her gaze fall on the words "Strictly Confidential".

"Do you want me to go?" Charlie hovered by the door, watching as his boss slowly looked up at him. After thinking, she shook her head slightly.

"Stay." She nodded towards the seat in front of her desk and the man sat in silence.

Staring at the white envelope, Connie got the overwhelming desire to laugh. Wasn't it funny, how her whole life could be drastically changed, maybe even taken from her, snatched by the cruel clutches of death himself; and she was informed by a simplistic looking piece of paper with some small, black words on it. The sort of paper a child would use to colour on, or the sort a marriage certificate could have been printed on. But no- it was used to inform this particular woman of the results from a head biopsy.

With trembling hands, she turned the envelope over and slid her finger beneath the seal, then broke it slowly all the way along its length until the letter was visible. She paused, eyes flickering to Charlie whose own eyes never left her hands.

"Take your time." He said gently, his heart twitching in sympathy as he thought of how the brunette must be feeling.

Deciding to go for it, Connie pulled out the letter and closed her eyes, letting her fingers unfold the paper blind before she opened them again. Despite the overwhelming nausea, her eyes met the words and she began to silently read.

"Dear Mrs Beauchamp,

Below are your results for the biopsy you had on the 19th of June. At your request, they have been fast tracked and delivered to you at work. You are required to attend a follow up meeting with Dr Clara Dawson on the 23rd of June at 9am. The appointment should last between 45-60 minutes.

Results:"

At this point Connie felt her heart rate rise alongside her breathing. She tried to steady both for a few moments before taking the plunge. Charlie just closed his eyes as she read the next line out loud.

"Your test for cancer is positive."


	14. Knowledge is Pain

**Just a quick short chapter this week, and unfortunately a day later than usual... *narrows eyes and glares at the logo***

 **Hope you like it anyway and I hope those of you back at school are okay! I get another week off ;) -Sophie x**

* * *

They sat in silence; Charlie unable to form any words of comfort, and Connie unable to form any words at all. She sat holding the letter, re-reading and re-reading that same line over and over again.

6 words. 6 measly, black and white words. That's all it took to destroy her life as she knew it and it wasn't fair. The woman still had so much she wanted to do, places to go and lives to save before she died. But now, it looked as if none of that would be possible.

"Connie," Charlie whispered, watching as her eyes fluttered shut. "you need to go home."

She didn't reply. Instead she leant forwards and threw the letter on the desk before putting her head in her hands. The man opposite her sighed.

Bucharest had taught him a lot about his boss. The trip had opened his eyes and let him see her true colours; her ambitions and her emotions and her true self. It taught him that she was lonely- she sought glory and fame in the medical world to fill the gaping hole that love had left in her life. It taught him that she was passionate about her job, and seemed to enjoy every minute. She was always ready to jump in if it meant that someone benefited from it. Despite what everyone said, she wasn't always in it for the money.

"Can you go now please."

Charlie nearly missed what she said, her voice was so quiet. She didn't move, only spoke.

"I really don't think you should be alone-" He said awkwardly, but Connie interrupted him.

"I said can you go please." She began to tremble, tone of voice hardening.

"Connie-"

" _Now!_ " Her head shot up and her angry eyes bore into his, the sound of her shout making the nurse jump. He scrambled to stand and went over to the door, glancing back half hesitantly before leaving the room.

Charlie went and shut himself in his own office, sat back and stared into space. Deep down, deep, _deep_ down he knew this would be the outcome. There had always been that small niggling feeling that she wasn't going to come out of this unscathed, and that one letter had just proven that.

And he also knew that he would get embroiled in this too- more than anyone else. He seemed to be her first port of call, and he wasn't complaining; he was glad there was someone she could go to. She was going to need him more than she had ever needed anyone else ever before.

…

The clinical lead watched the door fall shut, and felt the panic she had tried so hard to suppress rise in her chest. Connie's breathing increased as the reality hit her; she had cancer.

"No," she whispered to herself, standing and gripping the desk. Her legs shook beneath her as she moved and closed her blinds, hands quivering all the while.

"No no no, _no_!" She swiped a pile of folders from the top of her cabinet, half out of anger and half out of nerves. Her face got hotter as the tears began to fall and her chest racked with heart-wrenching sobs.

Giving up, her legs gave way and she collapsed, becoming a crumpled pile of tears and fear in the middle of her office floor.


	15. A Broken Body-Shaped Mask

**Wow, isn't down today! It usually is whenever I want to update!**

 **Bit of light hearted humour in this chapter to cheer the story up a bit- next chapter is a little soppier but it has a sweet Charlie/Tess scene :D**

 **Hope you enjoy and reviews are welcomed! -Sophie x**

* * *

The door opened a few minutes later, hitting the clinical lead on the knee. She jumped, startled and scrambled to stand before registering who was stood in her doorway.

It was Tess.

"Connie…" the small nurse breathed, her voice full of sympathy as she took in the state of her boss who hastily sat down behind her desk. The brunette's usually piercing eyes were now red rimmed and glittered with tears, her nose streamed before being wiped and her face was bright red, a combination of shock, humiliation and sadness.

"What is it Nurse Bateman." She muttered, pretending to type through her blurred vision. Tess shut the door behind her and moved towards her boss' desk.

"I came to see how you were." She said gently. Connie just shook her head and waved her away, biting her lip in an effort to not start sobbing again. The nurse sighed and sat down, reaching for her hand which promptly jerked away. She paused before speaking again, her eyes falling on the letter that had been thrown to one side. She took in the sentence which had blown Connie's life to pieces, and closed her eyes briefly.

"Where's Charlie?"

Connie swallowed a few times.

"I… I asked him to go. I wanted to be on my own. I still do." She added, the words taking on an icier tone.

"Why, so you could sit and cry alone?" The nurse opened her eyes again, and tall brunette opposite her found them full of concern.

"Connie you might be the hospital's resident witch, but that doesn't mean we don't care. I told you yesterday- I'm always here if you need to talk, or, and I'll add this bit on now, if you need a shoulder to cry on."

Connie blinked a few times before turning back to her computer screen.

"I'll bear that in mind." She continued to pretend type, which only frustrated Tess further. She eventually leaned over and turned the computer screen to face her, which showed a word document with lines of random letters and numbers. The clinical lead sighed and shut her eyes.

"You're hurting." Tess said gently, "You're hurting and you will be for- for weeks, maybe even months. There's no avoiding that. But you can make the pain easier by letting the likes of me and Charlie _in_. We want to help you because we care about you. And deep down, somewhere in that apparently icy heart of yours, you know that. You just have to find it."

Tears slowly started to seep through her closed eyelids as Connie took in what Tess was trying to say. Try as she might, the woman couldn't hold back her emotions any longer. Her face crumpled as she placed a shaky hand to her mouth. The nurse stood and moved round the desk, before pulling the clinical lead into a warm hug.

"Alright Connie." She whispered, rubbing the woman's back as her whole figure trembled in her arms. "Alright."

…

"They've been in there 10 minutes now and I haven't heard shouting." Robyn mused, leaning against the desk. Rita stood beside her, browsing their medical data base in search of her patient's notes which seemed to prove elusive.

"Yes well, Tess is a big girl I'm sure she's handling things." The head nurse muttered, frowning. "Where the hell are they?..."

"You think there's something going on? Between them?" Rita's mouth dropped as she turned to face Robyn's mischievous grin.

"Connie and Tess? God no. That would be like- like Noel and Charlie, or Ian and Big Mac!" She couldn't help but laugh, despite her horror.

"I wonder if she swings that way- both ways. I bet she does." The ginger haired nurse bit her lip as her friend pretended to hit her on the arm.

"Robyn! That is definitely none of your business!" She exclaimed, slowly turning back to the computer screen. "But if she did I bet we're way below her wage level."

"You saying you'd say yes if she offered?"

"No I was not!" Rita protested, finally finding the history she was looking for and printing it out. "Though it would be something to boast about wouldn't it." She flashed Robyn a cheeky grin before picking up the warm pieces of paper and heading back to her patient, leaving the nurse with horrifying images.


	16. Needing Space

**Here's this weeks update! I'm back at school now and doing my a-levels, which means I may not be able to write as much as I did in the holidays- but I've pre-written quite a bit for this story so I should be ok for another few weeks.**

 **Hope you enjoy the update and reviews are always welcomed! -Sophie x**

* * *

Charlie avoided Connie's office until the end of their shift, choosing to work in resus for the afternoon instead. Once his last patient was safely seen off to Keller, he threw his rubber gloves in the bin and slowly made his way through to his boss' office. He knocked, and waited for her shout before he entered.

The tall brunette was packing away some folders, and looked up as the door opened.

"Charlie." She nodded, her hair falling in front of her face as she picked up the last pile. He watched her for a few seconds before speaking.

"Have you been… alright?"

She shrugged, lifting the bag onto her desk. "Yes I suppose. Considering the circumstances."

"Good, good." The nurse smiled slightly. "Can I give you a lift home?"

"No, I'm sure I can drive. Thank you for the offer though."

"Are you sure?"

Her eyes met his and they flared.

"Yes, I will be fine." She said through gritted teeth, standing and pulling her bag over one shoulder.

"Connie-"

"Don't you Connie me." The woman hissed, walking right up to him. "I'm not an invalid. Not yet. Now please let me get past so I can leave this bloody building."

Charlie raised his eyebrows and stepped sideways, gesturing for her to move past him, which she did with such an icy air that the man nearly shivered in his scrubs. Once she'd left, the nurse quickly glanced around the room before his eyes fell on the edge of her desk. There sat a crumpled ball of paper, and he was almost 100% certain he knew what it was.

Leaving the door propped open, he slowly moved forwards and gently picked up the ball. He eased the paper open and smoothed it out in his hands; and he was right. It was her hospital letter.

"Everything ok?"

Charlie span round to see Tess smiling sympathetically by the door.

"Jesus Tess, you nearly gave me a coronary. Yes, yes it's fine." He stuffed the paper in his pocket.

"I saw Connie stalk out. She almost looked like her normal self." The smaller nurse crossed her arms. "Almost. There was still that sadness in her eyes."

"You know then?" He sighed, watching her nod.

"I found her crying on the floor a few hours ago. It was so unlike her I thought she must have collapsed; then I saw the letter."

"She was on the floor?!" Charlie asked, surprised.

"Yeah- just in front of where you're stood now actually." She gestured to the floor. "Refused to talk to me until I gave her the whole "we care, let us in" speech. Then she ended up in my arms and I had to go change because my shoulder was soaked with tears."

The older nurse had to blink a few times.

"Really?" he exclaimed. "Wow. If I tried playing that card all I would have got was a verbal slap to the face. She seems in a right old mood with me- I thought it was unprofessional to have favourites these days?"

"She's just had some bad news, you've got to give her time for her emotions to settle down. And even if they don't, personality changes are a side effect of brain tumours aren't they?"

"I think they're extreme changes though. I hope she doesn't develop that; I dread to imagine what would happen. It's bad enough seeing her upset, never mind unable to control her own mind anymore-" He stopped talking, his chest tightening slightly. Tess just rubbed his arm and led him out of the office.

"She's going to be fine Charlie." She said gently. "Now you get home, I'll see you tomorrow."

He nodded, the corners of his lips twitching slightly as he patted her shoulder in goodbye.

…

On his way home, the man stopped off at Connie's house to drop off her letter. Before he got out and delivered it (through her letterbox, in fear of having his head bitten off if she answered the door) he wrote a quick message on the back. He shoved it through the metal opening and drove off as fast as he could, straight to his house.

Connie padded into her hallway and noticed the creased letter lying on her floor. She picked it up and after realising what it was, went to throw it away before she noticed lines of black ink out of the corner of her eye. She turned the paper over and read the scrawled words.

"Let me know if you don't want to go to your appointment alone- Tess or I will gladly go with you. And make sure you do go otherwise I'll get a bollocking for having your results fast tracked and creating trouble for no apparent reason.

Phone/text me if you need me.

Charlie."

The brunette smiled slightly before folding the paper in half and going to put it on her fridge door.


	17. A Simple Microcosm

**Update! I might introduce Jacob into later chapters, I'm not too sure yet :) Also the tiniest of hints about my secret ending in this chapter! I'd love to hear your guesses ;)**

 **Hope you enjoy! -Sophie x**

 **TW- panic attack. Sorry for not warning earlier, I uploaded the doc for this week's ago and forgot to check it before I posted- that never usually happens but my mind has been elsewhere. However to the anon that reminded me- thank you, but I find little need for rudeness thank you very much.**

* * *

The following day came faster than Connie hoped, and she awoke early. The woman laid on her back and stared up at the ceiling until the birds began to sing, thinking about not very much in particular. Every time she thought about her upcoming appointment, her stomach would flip and she'd go lightheaded. However, as powerful as she thought she was, Connie did not possess the ability to freeze time- if she did, she'd have frozen the day before Grace left for her boarding school. The two were happy and content; something the woman missed so dearly it brought tears to her eyes.

Oh no; Grace.

She'd have to be told about the brain tumour. And Sam. And if she's going to be taking time off then Dylan and Zoe too. Then the rest of her staff would cotton on… Oh no.

"I feel sick." She muttered, sitting up and staggering into the bathroom, collapsing in front of the toilet bowl. The combination of thoughts about telling her daughter she wouldn't live to see her grand-children, telling her colleagues that she was now weaker than ever before and telling herself that she needed help was just too much for her body to handle.

…

Once she felt as if she could stand, Connie dressed and went downstairs, anxiously checking the time on her phone every few seconds. The nearer it got to half past 8, the nearer she got to being sick again. Running her fingers through her hastily straightened hair, the tall brunette caught sight of the letter she'd stuck on her fridge the evening before, the ink on the back just visible through the paper.

All morning she'd been convinced she could do this alone. For heaven's sakes, she'd managed to do the majority of things alone throughout her lifetime. This shouldn't be any different. But there was a small doubt creeping into her mind- one that made her fingers tremble and her breathing increase.

"What if I can't do it anymore?" She whispered, her eyes widening slightly and she looked around the room. Everything sat still but it seemed like the walls were closing in on her. Just picturing the oncologist seal her fate with her diagnosis was enough to send Connie's world spinning, and she fumbled to pick up her phone and dial the right number.

"Hello?"

His voice sounded distorted in some way, like it was muffled by something. She collapsed back into the sofa as a wave of heat broke out through her skin. But try as she might, she couldn't catch her breath enough to speak.

"Connie? Are you there?"

From his end of the phone, all Charlie could hear was a vague silence interrupted every few seconds by the creak of the sofa. It took only a few moments to realise something wasn't right.

"Connie are you ok? What's the matter?" His voice was full of concern, but hers was merely short breaths contorted into words.

"P-p-an-ic." Was the most she could say before another terrifying thought consumed her and she began to tear up, with short sobs being added to the range of panicked sounds.

"What? Wait, panic attack?" The nurse realised, and though he couldn't see it; she was nodding.

"Alright, I've not left home yet so I'm coming to get you. In the mean time I need you to concentrate on your breathing for me, ok? In for 5 seconds out for 8, like you always tell people alright? I'll be 5 minutes."

The line went dead and the phone fell from Connie's grasp, bounced off the sofa and to the floor. She tried to concentrate on what the man had told her- in for 5 seconds, out for 8. In for 5 seconds, out for 8. In for 5 seconds, out for, wait, what was it again? In for, 4, seconds? Which way round did the larger number go? Hang on, do I breathe in or out first?

The clinical lead shut her eyes and froze, waiting for it all to be over. She felt so useless, so out of control of her own body that she just wanted to give up.

It was only months later that she realised that morning was simply a microcosm of what was to come.


	18. You Are Not Alone

**Update day :D**

 **Though just a quick one as I'm swimming in homework at the minute xD Ah A-Levels, thou art a heartless bitch ;)**

 **Hope you enjoy and reviews are welcomed! -Sophie x**

 **Trigger Warning: Panic Attack, only mentioned in the first chapter though and not in any detail :) Feel free to skip it!**

* * *

I have just had a panic attack, Connie thought to herself as she sat in the passenger's seat of Charlie's old Ford Focus, watching the trees whiz by as they sped down the motorway. I've never had anything of the sort in my life; not when I was having Grace, or all through the Hailey Blake palaver, or anything else- so why is this all starting now?

They pulled into the general car park, and Charlie parked as close to the door as they could get. The woman stayed in her own thoughts until they reached the building, only escaping when she tripped over the pavement. Luckily Charlie caught her hand before she shoved it into a holly bush, but he found her skin cold and clammy.

"Alright?" He asked, watching her nod before dropping her hand and following her inside.

…

They reached the oncology ward in little to no time, and after signing in they sat down opposite a mother and a young girl, who smiled politely when they sat down. The girl was around 2, and stared at Connie with vivid fascination. Slowly, the woman smiled and waved slightly. The girl suddenly beamed, showing off her new baby teeth that stood prominent against her pink gums. Connie's smile widened.

"Hello." She said quietly, and the little girl waved back.

"Hiya." Her voice was innocent and sweet, and her mother glanced up from her phone before putting it in her pocket.

"Are you making a new friend Al?" She asked, laughing when the girl nodded enthusiastically.

"Al… Short for, Alice?" Charlie asked, and the lady nodded.

"This is Alice and I'm Cathy. It's nice to meet you both." They shook hands before Charlie introduced themselves.

"Nice to meet you too. I'm Charlie and this is Connie."

"Con." Alice looked at the clinical lead with wide, brown eyes, playing with the layers of the pink dress she was wearing.

"That's right. Con-nie." The woman replied softly, and the little girl giggled to herself, saying "Con. Con. Con." over and over again, squirming slightly on her mother's lap.

"She's very sweet. They never seem to sit still at that age though." Charlie watched as the girl frowned, trying to slide to the floor.

"Tell me about it. She's bored, we've been waiting for Dr Dawson for half an hour now. She must be running late."

"We're here to see her too." Connie spoke up, tucking a lock of brown hair behind her ear as she unfolded her arms. "Looks as if we're in for a long wait too then."

"You are I'm afraid. Though my appointment's only a routine consultation, so it shouldn't take too long. It always says 45-"

"-to 60, minutes? But it never lasts that long?" Connie smiled again as Cathy raised an eyebrow. "I know, it's nearly always about half an hour. I work here, we both do."

"Really?" Scepticism turned to curiosity. "Where abouts?"

"We both work in the emergency department now. Charlie's a nurse and I'm clinical lead. Though I'm actually a cardiothoracic surgeon by trade."

"Wow. Big change for you!" Cathy smiled, genuinely interested.

"Big but not unwelcome. Busier but it keeps me on my toes."

"Not that she needs to with her heels." Charlie grinned and Connie mocked shock. Cathy just laughed, pulling Alice further back onto her knees. The clinical lead found it relieving, talking to the woman and her daughter. It was a nice distraction from their current circumstances.

"Cathy Jackson please?" A man Connie recognised as Noah Clarke, the man who looked after her last time called the woman's name and she stood, though Alice was having none of it.

"Come on honey, we need to go see Clara now!" Cathy urged her daughter to hold her hand but she insisted on trying to run off in the opposite direction.

"Alice, come on!" She hissed, and watching her, Connie got an idea.

"I need some fresh air, I could always take her with me?"

The relief was visible on the woman's face.

"That would be very nice of you, are you sure?"

"Yes it's fine, I have a daughter of my own. Though she's all grown up now." The flash of thought from that morning on telling her daughter about her tumour rose from within her chest, but she swallowed it down and stood, proffering her hand.

"Come on Alice, shall we go for a walk? I might even have enough change on me to get you a chocolate bar." She winked, and the girl smiled before slipping her little hand in Connie's and pulling her towards the door.

"We'll be here when you're finished." The brunette called over her shoulder as they left the room.


	19. The Good Never Age

**Update day! This is quite a sweet one, and next week's is partly a cross-over with Holby ;)**

 **Hope you enjoy and reviews are welcomed! -Sophie x**

* * *

Connie was true to her word, and her and Alice reached Oncology just as her mother came out shaking Dr Dawson's hand. Her eyes scanned the room until she spotted the woman and her daughter making their way back to Charlie.

"Hello honey, have you been a good girl?" Cathy asked, beaming as she picked up the little girl who nodded earnestly. Connie laughed slightly.

"She's been as good as gold. Though we definitely haven't been snacking on mini Cadbury Fingers from the vending machine downstairs…" She drifted off, smiling when the girl giggled.

"Of course not." Cathy narrowed her eyes good-naturedly before hoisting Alice further up her hip. "Well we must be off- it was lovely meeting you both, and thank you for looking after Alice for me. I hope we meet again!"

"Depending on what I'm told in that office, it could may well happen. See you."

The two medics said their goodbyes and watched the figure leave, the little girl's head now on her mother's shoulder so it looked like just one person.

"She was a sweetie." Connie sat back, clasping her hands on her crossed legs. "Playful, like Grace at her age." Her voice trailed away until they were sat in silence. Charlie glanced at her before smirking slightly.

"You have chocolate on both corners of your mouth."

…

10 minutes later and it was time for her official diagnosis. She, Charlie and Dr Dawson sat in the crowded office.

"First of all Mrs Beauchamp, I'd just like to say that I'm very sorry about your results. But the second thing I'd like to say is I'm going to be your regular oncologist now, so I'm going to do my utmost to keep your wonderful self here on earth. Is that okay?"

The young woman was trying to be friendly, but in all honesty it made Connie feel even more nauseous than she originally did. It was obvious she had caught wind of the clinical lead's reputation and achievements, and was doing the same thing that many others did; trying to befriend her.

"Now, down to business. I'm just going to explain to you what it is, exactly, that you have developed, and means and ways we can go about getting rid of it. Feel free to butt in anytime if there's something you want to ask or say. Ready?"

Her eyes were bright, like Connie's had been before Alice had left with her mother minutes earlier. Silent, she nodded.

"Ok. You have developed an astrocytoma, on the left side of your brain. This type of tumour develops from the cells that provide the framework for your brain. On the 1-4 scale, your results came back Grade 3, which means-"

"-its cancerous but not fatal?" She interrupted, expression blank. Dr Dawson nodded, trying to act unsurprised.

"Yours is firmly within Grade 3 boundaries, meaning there's a chance it will progress unless we do something fast." Her face became grave, adding to the already subdued atmosphere. "The first port of call is a course of steroid drugs. These will reduce any swelling or inflammation on the brain and should hopefully relieve any head pain you've been experiencing. I'll give you a prescription for them today so you can pick them up on your way home. After that is surgery to remove as much as possible, then chemo or radiotherapy to destroy the rest."

She began typing on her computer, filling out the necessary boxes before printing out the sheet of paper and handing it to Connie.

"You're to take 1, 3 times a day with meals. Please read the information leaflet, and if any of the more serious symptoms occur then please let me know as soon as possible."

The older brunette took the paper and looked at it blankly.

"Do you have any questions before we leave?" Clara prompted, but Connie shook her head, still silent.

"That's fine. Right, well this course is for a month, so I'll have a letter for an appointment then sent out to you."

Realising she wasn't in the mood for speaking, Charlie spoke for his colleague.

"Thank you Dr Dawson." He smiled, shaking her hand before leaving the room just behind Connie. They made their way down the corridor to the stairs without speaking, the clinical lead just turning the folded piece of blue paper over and over in her hands.

"Is that your worried "thing"?" Charlie eventually asked, stopping next to the window that looked out over the car park. She turned to face him, already descending the stairs.

"What?"

"I said, is that your worried "thing"?" He took a folded handkerchief from his pocket and turned it over and over. "Turning stuff over whenever you're worried or scared?"

She glanced down at her hands, realising what she'd been doing.

"I- I didn't even notice." Connie admitted, stuffing the paper into her trouser pocket. She gathered her thoughts together before speaking again.

"Could you, maybe go straight down to the ED? After I've picked these tablets up I wanted to… go see, someone." Her voice was quiet and she looked to her feet, heels shaking slightly.

"Sure. You take all the time you need. Though if you're not back down there before lunch I'll be phoning Elliott and asking for my clinical lead back." A smile flashed over his face as the woman's head snapped up, a look of confusion staring at him.

"I know you're good friends and you go way back-" He tried to explain, but she shook her head.

"No. You said _my_ clinical lead."

They looked at each other for a few moments.

" _Our_ clinical lead. Sorry. Getting confused in my old age." He smiled. "I'll see you later then? My regards to Elliott."

"Sure." She said after a minute's pause. The nurse smiled before turning around and going the other way.

" _My_ , clinical lead?" Connie muttered to herself as she made her way down the rest of the stairs. " _My_? Clinical lead?"


	20. Sharing is Caring

**Hello! First of all apologies: I realised when I went to bed on Tuesday that I forgot to update and vowed to do it the next day... However, A levels seemed to have other plans and I've only just remembered now xD**

 **It is long though, that should hopefully make up for it! :D Reviews are welcome and I hope you enjoy! -Sophie x**

 **P.S- Happy 100 reviews to me! Thank you all for your kind words, they always mean a lot! :)**

* * *

Connie collected her prescription and went to Darwin, eyes searching for her beloved friend. It hasn't changed much, she thought as she strode down the corridor, various HCA's and nurses gaping at her as she went past. The woman went straight to his office, and was about to knock when she realised the door was open. Elliott was stood rummaging through a box on his shelf, back to her. She grinned, despite her current mood and crept up behind him.

"Guess who?" She slipped her hands in front of his eyes and he jumped before laughing.

"Connie!" He beamed, turning round. "It's been a while! How are you?"

Her happy face faltered slightly, which didn't go unnoticed by her old mentor. "That's what I came to talk to you about."

"Oh? Everything alright?" He frowned, and the woman felt her chest tightening. She shook her head and took a deep breath before speaking.

"No, it isn't. I've… I've just been told I have a cancerous brain tumour, actually. Grade 3 astrocytoma."

His face fell and his eyes immediately saddened.

"No…" He breathed.

"Yes."

"Oh Connie I am so sorry!" Slightly hesitantly, he reached his arms out. Without hesitating in the slightest, the tall brunette fell into them and let her head rest on his shoulder. They were silent for a few minutes, both unsure of what to say.

"If there's ever anything I can do." Elliott whispered as they broke away, and Connie nodded, looking to the ceiling and blinking a few times.

"I know."

"Do the ED lot know?"

"Charlie Fairhead and Tess Bateman do. Charlie's keeping an eye on me at the minute, he came to my diagnosis appointment earlier. He was the one who found the tumour- I collapsed at work last week and he did a CT scan."

"He's a good man, Charlie. I heard about Bucharest, with Louis and everything. And your legal action/assisted suicide/Grace debacles too." He raised his eyebrows. "You've had a rough time of it recently haven't you."

"Mmm. Rough is one word for it."

"Indeed. How is Grace by the way? I sent her birthday card to Sam's address but never got a reply."

"You didn't?" Connie was surprised; Grace always replied to her cards, Elliott's especially, being a close family friend. She'd bring it up when they next chatted. Alongside the fact she has cancer.

What a jolly conversation that's shaping up to be.

"I'll give her a good telling off, but she's doing ok. We speak every few days as she's started school there now."

"I remember the day she was born… Both her and Emma." He had caught sight of Connie looking at the pictures stuck on the wall next to his desk. The most recent was from Emma's latest birthday, and it was him, Jac, Jonnie and the little girl all with party hats on.

"They grow up so fast." Her voice was quiet, reflective almost. Elliott sighed before his pager went off, and he checked it before groaning.

"You know, I'm sick of doing valve replacements at the minute. Mo's just asked me to do hers and it's the 6th one I've done this week!" He exclaimed. Connie smiled slightly.

"Poor you. I forgot how dull it could get up here. I never know what's going to come through my door downstairs." The cardio surgeon caught sight of a glint in her eye, and he just shook his head.

"No need to rub it in!" He pretended to be offended before reaching out and rubbing her arm.

"I must get off. Come up and see me anytime, and like I said, if you ever need anything then I'm here. Ok?"

"Ok. Oh, and Elliott? Please don't tell anyone else."

"I'm no gossip."

Connie raised an eyebrow until he thought about what he'd said.

"Ok, I'm no gossip _most of the time_."

The woman nodded.

"Better. See you."

"Bye Connie."

…

Connie reached the ED just as a major casualty was brought in. She pulled on a pair of rubber gloves without thinking, before Ethan stopped her.

"Um, Mrs Beauchamp you're not on the rota for resus today." He said awkwardly. "You're meant to be having an admin day?"

She stopped and thought for a minute before realising what was going on.

"Charlie." She muttered under her breath before nodding. "Oh yes, sorry. Carry on."

She pulled the gloves off and tossed them in the nearest bin before stalking into cubicles. He had no right to change the rota like that, not without her permission which she sure as hell wouldn't have given him.

The doors swung shut behind her as she looked around the room for the nurse. She found him at the bedside of a young boy who had his arm in a cast. The mother watched him patch up the cuts on his face when he heard the imposing sound of her heels.

"Nurse Fairhead, my office please."

Connie stood with her arms crossed just outside the cubicle. He immediately realised what it was about.

"Can't it wait? I only have one more cut to finish-"

"No it cannot. Sorry." She looked to the little boy before walking off to her office.

"Are you in trouble?" He asked, looking at the nurse from the corner of his eye. Charlie sighed.

"Yep. I'll be back soon. Sorry Felix."

"That your boss?" his mother asked, sitting down where the nurse had just stood up from. He nodded.

"Thought so. Seems a bit icy."

He tried not to laugh. "Yeah, you don't know the half of it. 5 minutes." He excused himself and went round the nurse's station to her office. He knocked, and without waiting for a reply, walked in.

Connie sat at her desk, eyes staring expectantly at him.

"Who on earth gave you the right to change that timetable Nurse Fairhead?" She demanded, her face reddening slightly more with each passing minute. "No-one, exactly. How dare you go against my ruling? Officially I should give you a warning for that-"

"-then why don't you?" He interrupted. His face showed no evidence of any emotions, which unnerved his boss.

"You know what? I will if you're going to take that insolent tone with me." She snapped, pulling up the employee files on her computer.

"Whilst you're at it, you should probably give me warnings for doing CT scans without valid reason, leaving my shift early to pick you up from oncology, lying about my reason for taking this morning off to go with you to your diagnosis appointment and covering for a colleague whilst she flitted off to another ward for no work-related reason."

His words accompanied a pointed expression, and Connie finally realised what he was getting at. Taking the silence as thought, the man continued to speak.

"I only changed the rota because I was worried you wouldn't be up to hands on work today. If your mind wandered in the middle of a resus case then you could have put the patient at risk. I did it in your best interests as well as theirs, but if you feel the need to be all official again and give me a warning then fine, but include the other ones too."

The woman felt her anger levels slowly falling, leaving behind a tired feeling that she just couldn't shake off. She stared at the computer screen where her cursor hovered over the "Warnings" button, thinking over what he was trying to say.

Their friendship was no longer strictly professional.

She sighed, before closing Charlie's file and sitting back. He looked to his feet, still stood by the door.

"Thank you." He said quietly.

"No, I should thank you, properly- for doing all those things for me. I didn't realise how much you'd put your job on the line until just now. If Hansenn ever found out-"

"- but he won't, because we have a good lot of people working here Connie who care about us." He said softly, watching as her eyes met his. "Zoe and Dylan and Ethan and everyone else has been working together to cover our shifts whilst you've been here and there, and they didn't even ask why."

"Really?" She asked, faintly surprised. She knew how much some of her staff liked their gossip.

"Really. They just took it in their stride because that's what they do."

"Oh."

Connie fell silent for a few minutes, staring into space. She hadn't even realised how all this had affected everyone else. They deserved a reason why they were doing extra hours and not being paid. She knew she'd want one if it was her.

"I think… I think I'll tell them why. Today." She said finally, eyes focusing again. "Some of the side effects of these drugs are less than pretty so if something happens, they'll know why."

Charlie smiled and nodded.

"That's very true. Do you want me to get a message round? Maybe meet in the pub after our shifts?"

"That would be good, seeing as you've trapped me in here all day." She gestured to the walls of her office. "Thanks again Charlie. I'll see you later."

"You will." He smiled again before leaving and shutting the door behind him.


	21. Someone Up There

**Update! Apologies, I forgot on Tuesday again but I was at Chester Zoo all day and didn't get back until late :(**

 **Hope you enjoy and reviews are welcomed! -Sophie x**

* * *

The end of her shift came all too soon, and it was time to face the music.

Connie stood outside the doors to the pub, coat pulled anxiously up to her neck. It was windy, possibly the windiest day they'd had that month but the clinical lead didn't mind. It soothed her slightly, the calm before the storm as she stepped into the warm, busy pub. The ED staff had taken over their usual tables by the wall, and there was a spare seat in the middle of them all, between Tess and Noel and opposite Charlie.

Everyone looked up as she came to sit down.

"I said we'd all be meeting, but I didn't say it was about you." Charlie whispered as she sat down and pushed a glass of lemonade in front of her.

"No wine?" She asked, half out of desperation. He shook his head firmly.

"Steroids and alcohol don't mix, you know that."

"Mmm. Lemonade it is then." She muttered, sipping the cool liquid and imagining the bitter taste was actually her favourite white wine. She took a long, deep breath before clearing her throat.

"Ok, can I have your attention please?" Connie called, waiting until the noise had quietened until she began to speak. She remained sat down in order to not draw _too_ much attention to herself, and underneath the table her hands twirled her phone over and over on her knees.

"Some of you I know have noticed my absences recently," she looked to Ethan at the end of the table, "and there's a reason behind all of them which I'll get to in a moment. But first I just wanted… I just wanted to um, to thank you all, really. For taking over my lost hours without any reason to. I know most of us haven't seen eye to eye for a lot of the time I've been working within the department," from the corner of her eye, she noticed Rita shift in her seat, "but this really does mean a lot. So thank you for that."

It was then that she started to feel her stomach drop as the whispers started up. She heard the hushed mutterings of "leaving" and "sacked" and "pregnant" before she shushed them all again. Trying as hard as she could to stop her voice wavering, she carried on speaking.

"The reasons behind them all are all linked." She looked to Charlie for support who raised his eyebrows. Beside her, Tess placed a gentle hand on hers and the mobile sat still on her lap.

"The reason is… I've recently found out that… Well it seems that… Oh Christ I don't even know how to say this." She paused again, closing her eyes and taking another deep, shaky breath before opening them again.

"The reason is, I've recently found out I've developed a brain tumour." She spoke slowly, her words jutting to only just form a coherent sentence. "And it's at Grade 3- so it's also… it's also cancerous."

As soon as she finished speaking, she sat back and downed the rest of the glass of lemonade. Her staff, bar Charlie and Tess, avoided her gaze and sat in an uncomfortable silence until she stood up.

"Thank you for your time. I'll see you all tomorrow." She mumbled as a goodbye, picking up her bag and leaving as quickly as possible. Tess shot Charlie a questioning look, as if to ask whether she should go after her or not. After hesitating, he nodded and she followed the taller woman's footsteps, leaving the pub just as the chatter started up again.

"Connie!" She called half jogging to catch up with her. "Wait!"

She kept moving, her legs noticeably shaking as she made her way to her car. Eventually the smaller woman reached her boss and she coughed slightly.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No. I'm fine Tess."

"I think you're far from it. At least let me drive you home?"

"I said I'm fine!" Connie exclaimed irritably as they reached her car, and she opened the driver's side door and climbed in.

"I'll see you tomorrow. Don't gossip too much." She muttered, slamming the door and starting up the engine. Tess moved out of the way and watched as she left, speeding out of the car park and onto the main road, saying a silent prayer that she got home safely before going back inside to her colleagues.

…

"She's gone home." She told Charlie, sitting down again. "Refused to let me go with her or drive her, which I suppose I half expected. I think she's starting to regret telling everyone already."

"Better sooner than later. Like she told me, if anything happens now and neither of us are there they'll have a vague idea of what's going on."

Over at the left hand side of the table, just past Tess sat Robyn, Ethan, Lily, Rita, Lofty, Max and Zoe.

"Well that explains why she collapsed in resus last week." Lofty commented, tapping his glass.

"And why Charlie wanted to do a head CT." Robyn added.

"And where she disappeared to the next day- she must have taken the day off for her biopsy."

"Yeah, she had the full day off didn't she? That's why we had to do those extra shifts." Rita sighed, stirring her Malibu and coke with a straw.

"Poor Connie. She's not had an easy time of it recently has she?" Zoe sighed, before getting an elbow to the arm from Max.

"I knew you were going soft." He grinned, and she pretended to smack him on the knee.

"I'm not going soft, I just feel sorry for her. She's lost Grace, she's lost her friend, she's been in prison for god's sakes, nearly killed in Bucharest; someone up there has it in for her." She glanced up to the sky through the window.

"She's strong, the woman won't go down without a fight." Lily said firmly.

…

At the other end of the table, Cal, Dylan, Noel, Big Mac, Louise, Dixie and Ian were sat also discussing their clinical lead.

"She sends shivers down my spine and has a glare than can probably kill, but even then I wouldn't wish this on her." Louise declared. "It's cruel, not even your worst enemy deserves it."

"I know. And a brain tumour too, out of all of them. She might be a bitch most of the time but she's also one of the best consultants around." Cal sighed. "I loved her talks at uni."

"Yeah, so you could get an eyeful." Dixie grinned. "Trust me mate, I've been there."

"No seriously, it wasn't just that. She always managed to motivate me, actually make me want to learn. She helped me get to where I am now."

Dylan looked up from his phone screen and blinked a couple of times, looking at the doctor that had just spoken.

"That makes me feel nauseous. If you're so besotted with her then why don't you plan something to help her? Some ridiculous charity event or, or come-to-work-in-fancy-dress day. Just let me know beforehand when that is and I'll take my holiday." He muttered, getting up and pulling on his jacket.

"Party pooper." Noel shook his head as the consultant left. "But he did have a point. We should do some fundraising, maybe for cancer research?"

"Ooh. I could do a parachute jump! I've always wanted to do one of those." Big Mac grinned.

"Or we could sell off some donations- see if Zoe or Mrs B herself will give us some heels. I've had my eye on her grey Louboutins since she started here- I can't afford £550." Louise sighed happily. Dixie prodded her, eyebrows raised in surprise.

"Hey, just because the woman's got a tumour doesn't mean you can start bags-ing her stuff!" She exclaimed. "How about a fashion show instead? But a male one- with our donated clothes. That would be a laugh."

"Oh my god, yeah- and auction off the men afterwards!" Louise's eyes lit up with inspiration, before realising who she was talking to.

"And maybe a couple of women too." She added, and the paramedic nodded happily.


	22. Light Humour, Heavy Hearted

**Update! Some Chess (Charlie/Tess) banter for you in this one :D**

 **Hope you enjoy and reviews would be lovely :) -Sophie x**

* * *

Taking steroids meant Connie became much more exposed to various diseases. Just before before finishing her first week on them, she ended up contracting chicken pox for the first time in her life.

"You're what?" Charlie asked down the phone. It was half past 6 in the morning, and he had just been woken up by his phone ringing. Barely awake, he'd answered to find Connie's voice on the other end of the line.

"I said I'm covered in spots." She sounded irritable. "I look like a clown."

"Are you sure it's not just acne?" The nurse mumbled, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"I'm a consultant Charlie, I'm pretty sure it's chicken pox." She snapped. "I'm going to have to take the next couple of days off."

"Yeah that's fine. I'll call a locum in."

"Thanks."

"Bye Connie."

He ended the call and laid back down, sighing deeply.

What a perfect start to the week.

…

As the days passed, they didn't improve. The ED's new stock was late, meaning they were running dangerously low on cardboard bowls, paper towels and rubber gloves for days. Henrik Hanssen was on Zoe's back because Connie hadn't been replying to his urgent emails and she was her stand-in, a factory that had gone up in flames meant a full day of burns victims (which turned out to be mayhem), and to top it all off? They had a new cleaner who hadn't a clue what she was meant to be doing most of the time, and was determined to pester Charlie every working second to ask where everything was and what she should do.

"I need a holiday." The man muttered, rubbing the tops of his eyes as he walked into the staffroom to make a drink. Tess was sat on her break, munching on a breakfast bar whilst she concentrated on whatever she was meant to be doing with some wool and an oddly shaped needle.

"Bit late in the day for breakfast isn't it?" Charlie grinned, flicking the kettle on and spooning some coffee granules into his favourite mug.

"Well I didn't get the chance to grab any this morning, so the window was still open if you think about it." She raised her eyebrows and glanced over her glasses. "You look stressed."

"I feel it. And since when have you worn glasses?" He frowned, pouring the boiling water over the coffee and stirring it.

"Since last year when I learned to crotchet."

"Oh so that's what you're doing. I thought you were unravelling a ball of wool."

"Do I look like I'm unravelling a ball of wool?" She said sarcastically, moving her bag from the seat opposite her so he could sit down.

"What are you making then? Jumper? A long rope to strangle all these time-wasters with? Because I could sure use one of those."

"I know you could. No, I'm just making some squares, or "granny squares" as they're more commonly known. Want a try?" She offered the needle and half-finished square in his direction, but he immediately shrunk back into his seat.

"I already feel about 80 with this achy back, don't make me feel any older for god's sakes."

"Hey!" Tess exclaimed, throwing her spare crotchet hook at him. "Making women feel older than they are is not an attractive quality you know. You'll never get a woman if you go about like that."

"Tess, on what planet am I likely to "get a woman" at this age?" He raised an eyebrow and his colleague sighed.

"Come on Charlie, where's your sense of adventure?! Carpe Diem and all that!"

"I am seizing the day- by actually getting out of bed each morning un-crippled by this bloody job. Anyway, I'm a little pre-occupied at the minute with a certain clinical lead."

"I know, I know but you've got to look after yourself too."

Charlie slumped slightly in his seat before looking directly into Tess' eyes. She found them tired and saddened.

"If we weren't there for her, then who would be. Honestly?"

The nurse thought for a minute before realising what he was trying to say. If it weren't for them, their boss would have no-one to help her through possibly the worst time of her entire life.

"Exactly."


	23. The Day Dawns

**This week's update! Sorry I didn't upload yesterday, it was my brother's parents evening, plus I'm not feeling too great and I'm drowning in homework too xD**

 **Hope you enjoy and reviews would be lovely! -Sophie x**

 **P.S- Welcome new readers!**

* * *

The days soon turned into weeks and the weeks into a month, and soon enough Connie was back in Clara Dawson's office being told she was to have her operation in 13 days' time.

"You'll be admitted on the morning at 9am to Keller then your op will take place at half past 3. You're to bring a change of clo-"

"Yes yes I know what to bring." She interrupted, anxious that this meeting was taking longer than she was expecting. The woman was trying not to take too much time off before the operation, purely because she knew her workload will fall on Zoe and Dylan; neither of which she approved to run her department.

"Then I guess that will be all for today, unless there's anything you want to ask or tell me?" The young woman looked for an input but received nothing, so she stood and let her patient out. Even a couple of months on, she was still not over the fact she was treating Connie Beauchamp. And not any Connie Beauchamp, no- _the_ Connie Beauchamp.

Those 13 days went much sooner than she had hoped, and she found herself looking up at the hospital building with a pit of dread bubbling away in her stomach. The sun broke through the clouds and cast a gentle glow over the car park as she made her way inside, into the lift and on up to Keller. Connie had swapped her designer handbag for a more practical mini suitcase, which carried mainly paperwork to keep her occupied after the op.

The dirty metal doors of the lift jutted open and she stepped out onto the corridor, instantly bumping into a familiar face.

"Whoa watch it!" Fletch exclaimed, before taking in who stood before her. His mouth immediately fell open and his eyes widened in surprise.

"Mrs Beauchamp! Oh god I'm so sorry I didn't realise it was you-" He began to apologise but she waved him away, a smile forming despite her nerves.

"Fletch, it's lovely to see you again. How are you?"

"Oh I'm good yeah, just bobbin' along." He grinned. "What brings you up 'ere?"

Connie frowned slightly. "Have they not told you I'd be coming?"

The nurse shook his head, confused.

"Well do you know about my…?" Her voice faded away as Fletch looked at her with slight amusement.

"Sorry Mrs B you've lost me. Your what?"

"Well I have to say I'm surprised." She sighed, looking to her feet. "I thought the news would have spread like lightening with you notorious lot up here." The woman glanced up and straight into his eyes. "Fletch I've been diagnosed with cancer."

This shocking revelation caught him unawares, and all the words his lips could have formed just seemed to vanish.

"I thought they'd have told you."

"Oh well um I uh- I swapped shifts with, with Cara she had a, uh a lecture thingy that she had to go to. It was pretty last minute."

"Ah- that would explain it then." Connie sighed, looking about. "Shall I follow you?"

"Yeah I'm heading to my office. And Mrs B listen, I'm sorry to hear that. If there's anything I can do- shift covering or anything then let me know yeah?" His smile was very sincere and the clinical lead managed to match it, before gently patting his arm as they walked.

"I'm sure I'll manage, but thank you."

They then walked in silence until they reached the nurse station in the middle of the ward. Once the first doctor caught sight of Connie, a wave of silence fell over the desk until Serena Campbell looked up from some papers.

"What in god's name has gotten into you all? Stood like a set of salt shak-" Then her eyes fell on the tall brunette stood with one hand on her suitcase, and she stopped.

"Ah. Mrs Beauchamp, welcome to Keller. Excuse my staff, they're a bunch of incompetents. Let me show you to your bed."

Connie couldn't help but begin to feel small as Serena led her to a bed by the wall. It was quite dismal really, and she began to feel sick as she was reminded why she was there.

"At least I have a window to look out of." The woman thought to herself as she unpacked her things and changed into a hospital gown behind the curtain. When she laid between the itchy blanket and the lumpy mattress, she really began to pity her poor patients.

Back at the station, the medics seemed to be moving again with one in particular looking very jumpy. He was practically bouncing around Serena's heels like an excitable puppy after being given a bone; and the clinical lead seemed to be the treat in question. After an exasperated nod from his boss, the bespectacled doctor rushed to Connie's bed.

"Hello I'm Arthur Digby and I'll be your doctor today." He smiled, hugging his clipboard and pushing his glasses further up his nose. Before she got a chance to speak, Arthur jumped in with a sheepish grin.

"I know exactly who you are so you don't need to introduce yourself. I consider it an honour to treat you Mrs Beauchamp, I was a huge fan of your lectures at university."

Connie blinked a few times before clearing her throat and looking to her feet.

"Well it's lovely to meet you, um, Dr Digby."

"And I you Mrs Beauchamp. I'll be back with my colleague Morven in a minute to do your obs."

The woman nodded and followed his figure until he reached a dark haired nurse by the medicine trolley. Arthur said something before quickly glancing back to her, and who she was guessing was Morven's mouth dropped in astonishment.

"Lord help me." Connie muttered as the two made a beeline for her bed.

It was going to be a long stay.


	24. Into The Unknown

**Here's this weeks update!**

 **I really enjoyed writing the last bit of this, you'll see why when you get there ;)**

 **Hope you enjoy and reviews would be lovely! -Sophie x**

* * *

"Right Mrs Beauchamp, we're ready for you in theatre. If Arthur's finished with you that is?" Fletch asked, glancing to the doctor sat at the end of her bed with a raised eyebrow. Before he could protest, Connie quickly jumped in.

"Yes yes we were just talking. Ready when you are!" Her fake smile seemed to convey her hidden message, and after settling herself into a wheelchair she let her old colleague wheel her to surgery.

"Was he a bit in ya face?"

"God yes." The woman half groaned. "Does he ever stop talking?"

"When he's around people like you, amazing medics with stories and tales? He only stops to take a breath." Fletch grinned.

"He's probably quite sweet but I have a banging headache and a sudden hate for my own medical area after getting here. I'm sick to death of saying the word "cardiothoracic"."

"He only wants to be a good doctor. He means well."

"I know." Connie sighed. "Rather reminds me of Grace when she was just old enough to understand what I worked as."

"Oh yeah, how is she nowadays? She must be what, 10, 11?"

"10." The woman smiled. "She's with Sam in America."

"Lucky devil. I mean her, not you obviously-" The nurse corrected himself but Connie shook him away.

"Don't worry about it- she is a lucky devil. How're your little-ones?"

"Menaces but I love 'em all to pieces. They're all I've got now Nat's gone."

"I was sorry to hear about that."

"Thanks. Anyway, we're nearly there so do you need a loo break or anything?"

Connie thought about their current conversation, with Grace and Fletch's kids losing their mother so suddenly like that. All of a sudden, she wanted to be alone.

"Please. Can I possibly borrow your phone?"

Slightly taken aback, the nurse handed it to her and watched her disappear into the ladies toilets. Once she locked the door on one of the stalls, she dialled the familiar number and let it ring.

"Hello?"

The brunette breathed a sigh of relief.

"Grace darling, its mum. How are you?"

"Um I'm ok, going to bed in a minute. It's half past 10 here. How's England?"

"Rainey, as per usual." The woman smiled. "Listen sweetheart, I'm going to skype you tomorrow, we need a proper chat face to face. I've missed that."

"Yeah, me too. When can I come over for a holiday?"

Connie paused, thinking over her treatment and her daughter's possible reaction to the diagnosis.

"We'll talk about it tomorrow. I love you."

"I love you too mum, na-night."

"Night sweetheart. Sleep tight."

With a small click the line went dead, and Connie locked Fletch's phone before blinking back the tears.

She'd promised a skype call the next day, and a promise is a promise so nothing could go wrong.

…

"Here's your phone back, thank you." The woman smiled as she sat back down in the chair that Fletch was holding outside the door. "Just needed to make a quick call."

"S'alright. Now you've been talked over the procedure-"

"Of course I have and I'm fine about it." She said, though her legs started to slowly tremble as the doors came into sight. "The only thing Dr Digby didn't tell me however was who my surgeon is to be."

At that moment the doors swung open and they entered, to find the one and only Guy Self pulling on his rubber gloves, a huge grin plastered on his face.

"Well that answers that question. I'll come collect you later." Fletch gave Connie a reassuring pat on the shoulder before leaving the room.

"You've got to be kidding me." She said, rolling her eyes. "Are all the competent surgeons on holiday Mr Self?"

"Oh haha, you think you're so droll don't you." He said sarcastically. "Come on, onto the bed and let's get you to sleep. Try not to put up too much of a fight."

"Whatever." She sighed, climbing onto the bed and closing her eyes as the anaesthetist (who was late but turned out to be Jesse Law) administered her anaesthetic.

"This is going to make you feel slightly loopy for a minute or so." Jesse said with a grin. "But I'm sure you feel like that most of the time working in the ED anyway."

"Took the words right out of my mouth." Connie smiled slightly. "How's Adele?"

"Doing well. A little fed up but she'll be right as rain in a few weeks."

"Funny expression that," she mumbled as the drug began to take hold of her brain, ""right as rain". Why not left as rain? Or central as rain? Or no rain at all? It's always raining in this damn country."

The two men tried not to laugh out loud as the clinical lead mumbled herself to sleep, body eventually becoming still bar the rise and fall of her chest.

It was time for theatre.


	25. Limbo

**Apologies for:**

 **-The late update**

 **-The poor standard of this chapter**

 **-The length of this chapter**

 **-The mean cliffhanger**

 **-The weird was it was written**

 **-This list**

 **I've had a stomach bug this week that made me really sick, off my food etc so I didn't have time to edit or upload this chapter. To add to this one of my teachers was being a meanie and made me re-write an entire essay which took FOREVER :'(**

 **But here it is! I have mock exams next week (lol if illnesses don't kill me off then they will) so if I don't update I'm either dead or I've forgotten/been too busy :)**

 **Hope you enjoy and reviews would be lovely! -Sophie x**

* * *

 _"Grace? Is that you?"_

 _The haze that obstructed Connie's vision seemed to thicken slightly as the figure drew nearer. Struggling to move, the woman blinked._

 _"Grace? Darling?"_

 _"No. It's not Grace."_

 _A deep voice echoed around her, making the hairs stand up on the backs of her arms and her pulse quicken._

 _"Then who are you?"_

 _"Oh wouldn't you like to know." It seemed to chuckle. A searing pain shot through the left side of her head and Connie cried out in agony._

 _"Hurts, doesn't it?"_

 _"What's going on, please-please stop this."_

 _"That, my dear Constance, is not under my control. I am merely the messenger, a menial labourer if you will."_

 _"What- argh!" The same pain shot through the same side of her head as the figure moved even closer, the bursts becoming more frequent. Between panicked breaths, Connie managed to whimper "You know my name?"_

 _"I know your name, yes. I know your daughter and your colleagues and everyone else you have ever met. I know how you like your eggs soft not hard, how you hate walking in pumps because you tripped in them on the street last year, and why you never sleep with your door open anymore. I know everything there is to know about you Constance. I know all there is to know about anyone."_

 _The pain was near on constant now and the woman drew weaker and weaker._

 _"How?" Her voice was barely a voice, now a shadow of her former authorative tone and self as her eyes drooped shut, only just making out the figure as it finally revealed itself as a black, human shaped hole._

 _Wide eyed with terror, Connie let out an ear-piercing scream._

 _"I am death Constance, and I have come for you at last."_


	26. -----

**Hi guys,**

 **I haven't had any time to finish off the next chapter yet which is why there hasn't been a new update in a couple of weeks.**

 **Alongside this, someone I know has just been diagnosed with what Connie has in this fic, so I'm not feeling much inspiration to write at the minute...**

 **Hope you guys have a great Christmas :) -Sophie x**


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